JustMarl

but.. I know I had to. because, aku rase dah tak mampu la nk pecaye kt sape2 pun.watpe nk pecaye kt org, just to be stabbed behind ur back je nanti?? no thanks. I’d rather not to get attached with sape2 pun.

sometimes.. selalunye, mase2 mcm ni la.. aku rase sedey sgt. aku taw bkn aku je ade masalah ni.. tp cmne org lain tu, bleh lalu sume ni, mcm sume ni tade pape?? adekah dorang pun bpure2, mcm aku buat? sbb tak sanggup nk jawab bile kawan tanye?or dorang betul2 can totally get over it??

sometimes, I wish, he changed his number. so that aku bleh try call, and my call cant get thru. and then I can say. well, I tried. nampaknye mmg tade jodoh..

but how could I, bile aku taw hes always there, and the IFs are just to painful utk aku biarkan. what if, he forget my new number, number yg aku tuka sbb nk avoid die, but now aku dah dtg dlm hidup die, and die lupe save? what if, hes not happy and he needs someone to talk to, but tade sape utk die??

I can be there for him…

I was there. all this while. im the one that he called early morning, nangis. cakap mak die dah tade.

Im the one who should be sitting next to him right now.

butttttttttttttttt

Im not.

Allah ade yg lebih baik utk aku ke???

hmmm

yep. maybe.

I want him to stop trying. cos the more he tries, the more it hurts.

really. I don’t need other problems lagi dah.

this is enaf.

someone made a promise to me.. and, kalau die tak mampu tunaikan.. I wont blame him…

but… I guess tu tandenye utk aku brenti.

and I will.

so we’ll see

but doing so would makes me feel like im childish. and fragile. and nothing positive would actually comes out of it.

Alhamdulillah. aku bersyukur utk semua yg aku dpt..

cuti lately, aku byk tgk berite2. kemarau kt Africa.. budak2 kecik tu dah lame sgt tak makan, they cant really makan tibe2 even mase tu ade makanan. because body dorang mcm taleh trime. kene gune tube sume. oh man. but sometimes, kite lupe jugak betape bernasib baiknye kite. salu pening sbb nk pk bebuke nk makan KT MANE. pening sbb byk sgt plihannye. tp kt sane…

emm.

aku taw yg ati aku ni hitam and busuk. aku sedar. aku rase, this is something yg aku kene buat.. utk diri sindri jugak.. aku sbenanye takut. okay, cthnye, org igt aku benci makcik aku. well… aku tade la kejam gile. even ade org mmg igt aku kejam, but theres nothing I can do about it.. aku taw die tak mintak lahir mcm tu. ye ye. aku taw sume tu. mmg aku rase bsalah jugak kadang2. sbb aku tak layan die baik. yela, kadang2 geram sbb die bukan tataw die sakit, tp degil betul bab makan ubat. tapi lepas tu, aku rase, die bukan tanak makan, tp die salu mcm kt dunie sindri..so aku rase, die sbenanye igt die da makan kot.

aku cume tgh pk..sameade, aku akan jage die slame2nye? if so, adekah aku dgn mama and abah? or aku sorang je? I know hati mama abah mesti berkecai kalau aku anta die kt uma kebajikan ke.. I mean, I would never want them to see me becoming that kind of person..aku just harap. pape pun jadi, if la, if aku kene face the worst, Allah bagi aku kekuatan utk lalui sume tu..

so, past few days, aku dah tukar link blog ni, and I don’t wish to give the url to anyone.. not even Isa.

its better that way kot. and maybe I should have done it long time ago..

mcm yg aku ckp, last2, aku je ade utk diri sindri. I must train myself, not to rely on other people. I must stand on my own feet,I have to be strong.

InsyaAllah, kalau la aku berjaye tamatkan degree ni dgn flying colors, aku mmg ade terdetik nak sambung Master. tp probably bukan dlm bidang business. sbb aku rase mcm aku nk pursue the knowledge in psychology. I have no idea WHY. tp aku rase mcm aku nak yg tu la.

look, I don’t always have the answers to everything okay??

aku mungkin dah sakitkan hati sesetengah org, sbb, aku kenal diri aku kot. aku mmg suke control. kalau boleh aku nk sume bjalan ikut care aku. sbb by doing so, baru la aku dpt kepuasan dlm ape2 bende yg aku buat tu, mcm group project ke.. so bile group tu jatuh, aku la jugak yg akan jadi terpaling frust, and vice versa.

I don’t really care if my team members tak buat kerje. sbb aku x percaye org mcm tu boleh survive lame dlm organization. so papepun, rezeki kite tu mungkin jugak tak berkat kalau kite tak tunaikan tanggungjawab kite betul2 kan? what I can say is, the least we can do is TRY.

lain2 berserah je pade Allah.

aku rase takut, lagi2 sekarang.. aku takut aku tak mampu tunaikan ape yg Mama and Abah harapkan. gosh.. ape dorang bagi, terlalu2 byk, and aku tak mampu nk crite thru sentences. my last wish, at least.. biarlah aku sempat jadi sorang anak yg baik utk dorang. I want everything counts.

I hurt few people along the way, and as lonely as I get, I know its nothing compared to the heartache ive caused them.

yeah… I see myself as a terrible person. but.. im trying now.id choose Mama and Abah, always. over everything pun.

ive learned that, friends, even bestfriends..they don’t stay with you forever by yourside. they have their own busy life, their own problems. own spaces. emm. sume lah. so sebyk2 masalah yg aku ade, probably they’re facing worse.

em..I just hope that, aku tak sakitkan hati sape2 lagi.. I thought it would be easy. its easy to be bad and mean. I know. cos ive been there, done that. mmg senang bagi aku utk sakitkan hati org.. senang nk tolak org..my relationship now with isa, its hard. sbb knowing that we used to date, and mmg impossible nk tuka feeling jadi kawan, I mean, I have no feelings kt die lansung.. but Allah je taw. aku harapkan yg terbaik utk die, sbb aku tak deserve die. so our relationship susah. sbb ade masenye, die dtg bile aku mmg perlukan someone. die dtg bile aku mmg tgh sunyi. and its hard for me, utktolak die, mase aku in need. I know. if aku tak tolak die mase tu, means im using him. and that’s selfish. and the whole break up thing, is to avoid me, from being one 1st place.

ofcourse I can act all okay, bubbly, cheerful and all happy depan org. Im a good actor. maybe even great. tapi, mlm2 nk tido, aku nanges jugak sorang2. I know its not the life I wanted. but cmne nk erase the memories, the love and pain? if life were easy, it wouldn’t be worth living right? yeah. I guess so.

sboleh2nye, aku tanak libatkan sesape pun. biar sume aku tanggung sindri. aku nk jadi matang. aku kene kuat utk future baby aku

lagi 2 taun je, lepas tu aku akan pergi satu journey, journey utk cari parent kandung aku.. and im pretty excited about the plans. lol

its okay, dulu plan dgn org lain..tp sorang pun ape salahnye kan? lagi adventure~

teringin nk jadi mcm those backpackers. bdikari. hmm. I have the strong will. tp not sure if skill aku cukup utk sume tu. hmmmm

anyway. aku mmg kene tido awal. sbb janji nk goreng mee special yg aku blaja buat mase intersesi tu. hehe. so yeah. goodnite Maliza

okay byk bende dah jadi past few days. and just now aku baru je memaki seseorang *er, bagi aku die bukan org pun. die tade lansong sifat2 manusia. okay.

so aku maki puas2. ckp sume mende aku nk ckp, just sbb aku tkilan x dpt nk ckp depan muke die.

aku da x kesa ape nk jadi, sbb bende paling teruk dah pun jadi. the worst feeling adelah, disalah anggap. maksud kite lain, tp org paham lain..

lain sgt2..

betape die silap sgt2 pasal aku. silap besar. tp tu bukan alasan utk bitch tu amek kesempatan ats situasi ni or ape2 situasi pun.

so mcm yg aku maksudkan, aku mmg maksud kan die tu sorang bitch and talam bermuke2.

puas.

sbb die, org yg aku paling sayang, dah salah paham kt aku, and theres nothing I can do about it.

so aku harap sume org happy je, camne die bahagie nk mampus atas sume bende die wat kt aku, aku pun nk happy.

dengan ini, aku da jumpe care aku nk happy.

aku ade rancangan sindri utk mase depan aku, same mcm die ade rancangan utk mase depan mereke yg bahagie tu.

oh ur dead right ini kate2 org dengki.

okay tp ia sekadar mendengki dr jauh, and aku bukan sorang yg pendendam, so that will fade.

aku mungkin takkan mendirikan rumah tangge, mcm yg mama and abah harapkan. sorry ma, abah.

tp aku akan adopt sorang anak angkat, sorang baby yg comel. uh belum decide nk laki ke pompan. hmmmmm

tp sbelum tu, aku nk make sure, aku tade utang ngn sape2, lagi2 MARA. aku nk stabil ngn business aku. maybe aku akan ikut jejak someone, yg amik kursus buat kasut kt indon, so aku bleh buat my own custom made punye kasut. nk buat baju mcm tlampau susah. kasut lagi menarik rasenye. ngehngeh. tujuan utame adelah buat utk diri sindri so ari2 tuka kasut. MUAHAHAHAA.

okay, bile dah stabil, aku akan amek sorang baby. hey aku pun org biase yg ade prasaan utk disayangi okey. so kasih syg dr mama and abah dah terlebih dr cukup. aku x perlukan seorang lelaki wat mase ni. *WAT MASE NI OKAY.  mane taw tetibe tuka pkiran. ngehngeh

and lepas tu just terus keje, tunaikan janji2 kt mama and abah. ugh. pk pasal study yg x seberape tu buat aku putus ase. mungkin x tercapai dek akal utk dpt 1st class.

yg penting cmne2 pun. duit adela misi idup aku. make sure abah and mama hidup senang lepas ni.

aku dah drove dr Arau ke KL. dr kul 10 mlm okay. smpai kl dlm kul 730AM. sesat2 smpai ke thailand. phew. Alhamdulillah, time kasih Allah sbb kami slmt smpai. mcm2 aku jumpe dlm pjalanan, tp biar jadi pengalaman aku sindri je.

lepas da smpai rumah baru terase bhayenye aku buat mcm tu. tp… sumpah, aku tak terpk lansung kepayahan or pape masalah sbb aku just tanak susahkan abah dtg amek aku. bile da bawak sindri. aku bleh rase cmne abah penat amek and anta aku and aku just nk jadi sorang yg mampu utk buat sume bende sindri tanpe harapkan sape2. aku mungkin akan selalu jatuh. but that’s okay. aku just nk biasekan diri utk bgn sindri. tak sume akan stay besides you.

aku just nk susahkan dorang LESS.

aku mungkin bukan sorang manusia yg baik, not even a good citizen. probably not even a good friend…

but yg penting I wanna be better. not for anyone though. I wanna be better for me.

org yg rase sunyi, hanyelah org yg nak merase sunyi tu.

so prasaan yg x bape nk perlu mungkin boleh buang jauh2. sbb aku takkan menangis kalau aku tanak menangis. its all about what you tell your brain to do.

so don’t maliza! ur way too awesome utk menangis or buat bende2 mcm ko tgh buat ni. zzzz

okay tape since aku mcm da lame sgt focus kt busines, once a while nk focus kt diri sindri gak.

aku tak rase pjalanan aku still jauh, sbb aku selalu rase mati tu dekat. tataw la tu tande ape, tp rasenye a good sign kot sbb aku akan beringat kt mati.

aku tanak sesat.

aritu, aku complain pasal sorang cashier ni. atas layanan die yg sgt suck tu telah memakse aku file a complaint. kasik ajar skit. tu pun blum tentu org atas die btul2 buat tindakan. zzzz byk mase terbuang kt situ, tp aku pcaye kalau complaint aku di amik kire, service dorang akan jadi lagiiii bagusss gileee.

aku kene percaye, yg x sume ditakdirkan utk jadi. tp takdir mcm mati tu caye la. im just saying, aku x caye aku akan hidup all gloomy mcm ni.

theres so much things to do!! seriously.

baik aku angkat buntut, and join all the larian amal tu. boleh gak kurus2kan badan. kad derme organ dah smpai dengan slmt, aku x bharapan purse aku akan hilang lagi. not a chance.

lepas sbulan aku x mkn nasik, smlm aku tpakse makan nasik lemak sbb lapa sgt. luoe pesan kt abah to get me anything BUT rice.

so aku akan start dgn diet juice.  diet juice forever. maybe kadang2 leh makan roti and all those gandum thingy. tp slagi berat aku tak smpai 48kg!!! juice okay!! –nasib baik tertengok diet kimora tadi. ngehngeh. leh turun berat jugak la dlm 2 minggu. so kite tgk ape jadi nanti. dah suruh abah beli all the barang2. tp nk skip coffee mungkin akan jadi masalah besa gile bg aku. zzzz

aku determine nk jadi org yg lebih baik. but in order to do so, I really really need to talk myself thru this. dah la tgh period sume hormon lintang pukang. cpt emosi and terase. hm.

you are a lot stronger than this maliza. mungkin org akan judge ko kejam or busuk hati, but to hell with them, they don’t live in your shoes. jgn biarkan kejam ko kt org yg berhak tu sie2 je k!

okay!!!

so lepas ni, aku mungkin akan jadi YES WOMAN. I will say yes to almost everything, and see kemane that will bring me

I just gotta hold to that positivity.

woke up around 130PM. gosh. resulted from tido yg teramat lambat semalam. er. lepas subuh precisely. just determined that I wanna be a more responsible creature. well aint just to everyone around me.. but to myself too. I wanna be more responsible on all of my actions. and attitudes. hmm

so aku tetap pegi klas arini even Allah knows how much I do not want to wake up. tp nasib la tgari tu panas kan. lantai pun panas. tilam pun panas. last2 taleh tido da pun even I tried. zzz. Got 2 MMSs from Abah. ngehehehehe.

the most handsome guy!

and im not sure whats his name. tp janji kepale die bulat, I don’t really care. gosh arent this creature just the cutest thang?!!

so anyway, lepas klas gi teman Tia basuh kete die yg da mcm 3taun x basuh tu. *aku x kate cmtu, die yg rase cmtu*. so kalau banding ngn kete aku, nampak mcm aku x pnah basuh since beli thank you. but I don’t really mind pon.  so pegi laa dekat2 arau tu. ade la dlm sejam gak tunggu. pastu tetibe tgh2 tunggu, betul2 depan kedai tu police wat roadblock. and baru tia ckp, die tade lesen slame die drive ni. aku gelak2 je la, x bape risau sbb aku ade lesen so rilek la. BUT TETIBE, aku teringat, yg arini aku x bawak purse. sbbnye just right before that lalu kedai jual cendol pulut and tetibe mcm teringin gile. ade ngn cendol buah skali which aku x pnah try and mase lalu tu terliur gile and mcm da nekad nk beli for bebuke. tp nk gi kedai tu kene lalu roadblock tu since due2 mcm tade lesen, ktorang agak cuak. but luckily ade jalan lagi satu utk balik. so problem solved. okay aku takkan lupe bawak purse lagi. igtkan pompan tu bawak lesen! haha. lupe lak since tragedi rumah kene pecah masuk and purse kitorang kene curi, die x renew2 lagi. ngehngeh. pasal lesen aku xyah risau smpai 3 taun akan dtg k. rilek je lesen aku lame lagi nk expired.

ouh I gotta rase the cendol pulut before balik! generally my afternoon went just okay. Mama call around 9PM and we talked for 16minutes. Alhamdulillah mama da baik demam. Abah pun okay je I guess.rinduuuu~ but still tade pape feedback pasal niat aku nk derma organ tu. haha. so keputusan tergantung cmtu je. aku harapkan they would just give the decision thru sms ke ape sbb id rather not discuss this issue with them in person.

and ntah ape cite tetibe sorang budak ni call aku. tanye klas kul bape. which is rather freaky weird sbb minggu ni da last class kot and the venue and time NEVER change. so ape cite lak tanye sal time. pelik! and he never talk to me dlm class, we never really talk on the phone or msg skalipun, and he didn’t even add me on facebook even die taw profile aku yg mane cos he used to call me Marleey bile dlm class anyway. dpt taw from  a friend  it was his birthday harini. so patut la die call.! free! tp mcm la tade org lain. zzzz so aku msg die like couple of hours after that wishing his birthday and that’s it. I also found out from a friend that, die ni mcm terdesak nk cari girlfriend, and even aku mcm *er, why u telling me this*, aku anggukkan aje cos I don’t really care pasal die. zzz. I hardly know him okk.

kt sini cuci kete liuar dlm RM10 je. kt kl? tak dpttt.

ah. and Ive learn how to make a fishtail braid! and have made it perfeectly pretty. but not on me la.

I made this.

I had 4 telor harini. which is crazy. besok definitely no telur ok. bukan besok je. for ths whole week! ok bye. nyte

learn it from her tutorial. just google FISHTAIL BRAID. ;P

Done! aku ngn Tia (my housemate) tak study lansung the whole nite. just facebook, movie, download lagu, and facebook lagi. seriously. terlampau bersukerie. Now die dah tido, baru leh update blog. teehee. its Day 4 of heart-aching, and Im still surviving. Alhamdulillah. So the test went great I think. we actually held the test at the library. OPEN LIBRARY my lecturer called it. haha. thank god boleh bincang sume. so rasenye sume soklan dpt jawab kot. kalau aku salah, sume yg tiru aku salah gak. haha.

harini tak puase. cos its Friday. and aku pk mcm nk rest kejap sbb at least aku dah habiskan puase nazar aku. tinggal 6 hari lagi pose ganti. which maybe aku akan pose arini  

It’s a pretty weird thought. rasenye aku terlampau caught up with those vampire thingy. I kinda like the feeling of hunger. Sbb buat aku rase mcm aku ni vampire. and since aku tableh feed on people, aku tepakse mkn bende lain, err, definitely not blood. more like a synthetic one. haha. KONONNN. so nasik tu mcm blood. and bende lain is mcm sintetik blood. hhahaha. tableh jadi, bleh brangan jadi pun jadiii laaa. I actually feel alott sexier bile lapar. maybe sbb konon2 terase kurus time tu kot. hahaha. tataw berat da turun ke tak. rasenye tak, sbb aku still mkn mlm.susa nk quitt. balik nanti lagi la. tp aku nekad. aku nk live healthy, I wanna feel pretty and sihat okay. I want my confidence back. most importantly, my happy life back.

Its been raining almost everyday now. best! cume aku tade slimut.. slimut aku balut skali ngn toto sbb my toto is too nipis… slame ni kan panas, so bile die ujan mcm time pagi2. aku akan tbgn sbb sejuk sgt.

Im still trying to fix things with some people. aku tanak cari dorang, or in my other word, kacau dorang. if anything, they’ll know where to find me. aku tanak came out of the blue uninvited bak kate Adele.

cuti 2 bulan nanti, aku rase mcm tak saba sgt. sbb aku nk try to realllllyyyy make sure this time, aku takkan spend dgn sia2. hahaha. nampak sgt niat murni tu tak pernah direalisasikan. zzz. nk visit rumah baru tu. x saba nk pindah! live a new life. I know. it felt macam, dah lambat sgt2. tp ntah la..maybe ade kot nanti dat someone yg dtg n dpt bukak hati bla3242. who noes. and most importantly. who cares

almost 4AM. I should be off to bed. so later

baru abis kelas! tpakse gi kelas petang sbb pagi tadi x terbangun. tido mati suda. rupe2nye bgn2 tgari tu tgk kt luar jalan sume basah. oo. so smlm ujan. patutla tido sejuk je!

Adele–Someone Like You

I heard
That you're settled down
That you
Found a girl
And you're
Married now
I heard
That your dreams came true.
Guess she gave you things
I didn't give to you
Old friend
Why are you so shy?
Ain't like you to hold back
Or hide from the light
I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded
That for me it isn't over
Never mind
I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
"Don't forget me," I begged
"I'll remember," you said
"Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead."
Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead,
Yeah.
You know how the time flies
Only yesterday
It was the time of our lives
We were born and raised
In a summer haze
Bound by the surprise
Of our glory days
I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded
That for me it isn't over.
Never mind
I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
"Don't forget me," I begged
"I'll remember," you said
"Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead."
Nothing compares
No worries or cares
Regrets and mistakes
They are memories made.
Who would have known
How bittersweet this would taste?
Never mind
I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
"Don't forget me," I begged
"I'll remember," you said
"Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead"

suits everything perfectly.

trying to take a nap. tbangun balik cos dpt call from a friend. haih. tapelah, maybe aku bukan ditakdirkan utk tido. hehe. tgh basuh baju anyway. plus bgn2 tgk da 6.30PM. like, WOAH, cpt gile! mcm baru tadi tgk jam kul 530PM!

clueless nk berbuke pe arini. ade roti, telo and cucur bilis! tadi singgah stall tepi jalan jual CoconutShake. Sedapp sbb air gula die wangi air gula die letak daun pandan. nyummm. so float die rase mcm lagi sedappp. sume air die singgit k. aritu pegi bazar dekat ngn umahh tu, coconut shake die RM2, kecik half dr yg jual kt sini. takla sedap mane pun . aku sedut skali je abes da!!

anyway. sblom smpai kelas tadi, aku text Abah. aku ckp '

‘Slm, abah, tadi Liz baru register organ transplant. Not sure hows the best way to inform Mama and Abah, but family gotta be informed. what do you think?’

Abah replied.

‘Well, you should have discussed before you register.. >.< it’s a new thing which ulama’ is having pros and cons about it, mama may not like it, Abah can accept in protest, but overall it may be okay ‘

Abah always know the right thing to say. Almost shed me into tears. hehe. Abah cakap die bincang ngn mama, nanti die call. bdebar2 ala2 mcm nk gi wat Mock Interview time sem 3. haha

anyway. I have a good feeling about this. tak terpk lagi ape next decision aku kalau Abah and Mama x bagi. tp rasenye, they will support. cos that’s just what they do slame ni. kalau tak, ntah. lets just wait and see.

my hair sgt sgt in kronik condition. gotta go rebond. tp takkan nk mintak duit mama? waaaa. so aku pk, maybe nanti mase cuti kot nk keje. havent decided where. but surely ade je rezeki kt mane2 kan? kalau malas tataw la. atau pun last2 mintak duit mama gak. hehehehe

tapi kene wat kt Perlis sbb murahhhhh. so tade choice, tunggu balik sini nt je kot? untung la yg dpt PT tuuu. tiap2 bulan tuka enponnn.

besok test 2! tp x risau lansung sbb boleh open book. AGAIN. haha. final aku nanti tataw la cmne..manje sgtt ni. assignment sume lecturer suap je markah.

jap gi nk bebuke da. slmt berbuka

Zami ckp magic, sbb die mmg slame ni harapkan aku brubah. dulu aku teruk. haha. so bile terjumpe balik kt facebook, die kate die terkejut. tp hes glad.

hes a good friend jugak.

tetibe aku rase mcm, aku sbenarnye ade ramai kawan yg baik.

tapi aku tak nampak sblum ni. so aku message Naguto. told her how she has been a great friend of mine. tade la, sbb mcm da lame x msg die. so suddenly teringat. aku just mcm, nk let her know. that I love her, and that shes a good friend.

Eka pelik ngn aku sbb prangai aku ni. haha. aku mmg salu pelik ok eka. xyah wat tekejut sgtt.

aku still rase sedih..sedih sgt.. die salah paham pasal aku. the last memory that he had of me, was aku ni sorang yg sgt jht, kejam and tade prasaan…and… CURANG??! seriously? aku org mcm tu ke.. he sounds so convincing.. buat aku feel so bad. even asalnye aku lansung x rase aku buat sume yg die ckp tu. he just.. had it all wrong.

do u have any idea how that made me feel bout myself??

I actually start believing every single words that came out from him. just because his opinions were important. at least to me it is..

I should have more control over my life. you know, being able to use the brain and do the right things. not the things yg aku teringin buat without considering the consequences..

salah satu mende aku nk ubah skang.. is.. being a better friend. aku nk jumpe sume yg sudi jumpe aku, nk visit old friendss, macam keep in touch sume.

paling penting. kene attend sume wedding org!

if only cries can make me feel better..

can I talk to someone??

No I couldn’t.. everyones too busy living their own miserable life. or busy spreading the happiness. takkan aku nk tibe2 dtg out of nowhere??

I can only talk to Him..

if only I could get some sort of advice.. or guidance on how to keep living..

I really don’t want to be that person who messes with people’s life. come on. look at me. Im not even capable of doing so.

but.. why does everything keep falling apart whenever I try to fix things?

I badly need the guiding light..

sometimes aku rase, aku ni tak bgune utk sape2 pun.. I mean, aku x mampu nk happykan sape2 pun? tak mampu nk jadi kawan yg baik gak.. x mampu nk tlg org.. aku x mampu buat pape pun..im not even a good person. jauh skali la a good citizen..

living doesn’t have to be so difficult I know..

haih… I just feel so miserable now.. I couldn’t do anything right..

bukan tanak share.. I tink.. better I keep this to myself.. lets not open up to just anyone, just because die open up to me. Im gonna live with my own secrets. well, sape2 yg bace blog aku and kenal aku maybe taw. but its okay la. its not like I can expect them to understand..

im just, picking up all that falling pieces. slow and steady je k.

I WILL get my life back.

the trick is, to keep practicing that fake smiles, one day youll be so good at faking it that u will actually believed it.

its okay Maliza. ur alone, but Allah stays with you always. just gotta hold that faith kuat2.

besok klas bawak ke tghari sbb lecturer ade hal pagi2. nasib baik assignment sume dah siap, so I don’t have to worry. perut bunyi2. tp.. aku tade lansong rase nk makan.. tadi rase pening yg pelik.. aku rase sbb aku dahage nk air sejuk. so buat 2 cawan iced nescafe mase perut kosong. and makan pun sikit je. haha. tia kate aku nmpk kurus dah! okay pujian palsu itu agak memberi smgt. so aku accept. senang rupenye simpan duit. lagi senang mase tgh heartbroken. mase heartbroken gak baru terase susahnye hati and hidup ni, that at last, u know you don’t have any idea who to turn to, and mase tu lah sedar utk pergi jumpe Dia. smuenye time susah.

mase senang.. haih..

aku asek lupe prasaan malu thadap diri sndri ni. sbb dah brape lame aku jadi hambe yg x mengenang budi and ignorant, ego and sombong. bile lupe malu la, akan jadi lalai..

aku dah dpt bukti, yg ape kite cakap tu sume satu doa.. lagi2 bile time ckp tu, dtg dr hati yg ikhlas dan bsungguh2. tak kesah la bende baik ke bende x baik ke.. sbb due2 bende aku mintak tu, aku dah dpt. yg baik ngn yg x baik. yg x baik tu mintak kt org lain tp dpt kt diri sindri. haha. so padan muke aku.

so. hidup lah dgn prinsip, if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all. ape lagi?? silent is the best weapon. bile dah pk balik.. aku rase.. sgt btul.. kalau la aku teruskan je bdiam diri. mungkin sume xyah jadi seteruk ni. ok ok. enaf with the regret. jgn menyesal maliza. this is the consequences dr sume yg ko sindri plih utk buat. ok. so I will live with the pain. okay.

I can do this

he said, kalau ade jodoh, ade la. die serik dgn aku.

I am THAT bad huh?

maybe..aku rase hikmahnye, kalau die x buat mcm ni, aku takkan sedar. time kasih kepade die. sbb die sedarkan aku utk menghargai org. walaupun impression trakhir die kt aku, sume yg jahat2 and buruk2 sume.. aku dah tade pluang nk ubah sume tu. so.. just try utk live better. be better. its okayy. aku akan buktikan kt org lain je. sbb tak dpt nk buktikan kt die dah yg betape salahnye die pasal aku.

terkilan skit. tp, its okay. dr aku terus idup dgn ego sgunung, and sombong tu. this officially changes every single thing about me.

its day 2 of puasa ganti. hari kedue jugak hati aku kene lenyek2.

adekah aku akan jadi lebih kuat kalau berjaye survive lenyekan ni lagi beberape hari?

yes. I can. positive outcomes only

tapi buat mase ni.. aku decide utk biarkan hati aku sakit. just let it go through. aku tanak tahan, aku tanak pure2 kuat. sbb aku x kuat lansung..

tapi..smoge … em. I ran out of good wishes. haha.  cant think of any at all >.<

tataw lah smoge ape.

Mama called semalam, dah x demam katennye. tapi batuk ade lagi. Alhamdulillah. terima kasih Allah sbb dengar doa aku.

aku bkn sakit sorang, sbb ade org lagi sakit dr aku. and aku rase maaf x cukup.

aku pun tataw nk watpe. kalau aku ikut je ckp die. maknenye aku lagi kejam. sbb biar die hidup ngn harapan2 palsu tu padahal aku taw aku akan ttp pergi lepas2 tu.

…

slepas mengambil kire ckp Allie.sbenanye sblum die ckp lagi aku da taw nk watpe. cume aku tade kekuatan utk actually do it. because I was lonely myself..

that’s selfish.

aku yg sbbkan masala ni. nape nk drag innocent someone with me?

I just wish I was stronger before everything went this far. this serious.

its okay maliza. u have tried. u know u have. u have begged, ugut? haha. sume bende keji and jijik aku dah buat. still tade kesan. it means I should stop trying and turn around. andd………….

find someone to be blamed!

or. hadapi ketentuan ni.

well. I guess. all this pain. heartaches? sumenye. fated to be this way. okay

now aku sgt pasti. aku akan sambung Master. insyaAllah.

Test 2 on Friday. haih. sgt lah malas nk bace buku. padahal kelas 2 jam je tiap ari. hm.

mama, rindu ikan keli asam pedas mama

rindu sore abah balik umah lepas magrib. penat tp try jugak tunjuk muke happy.

Allah please give me the chances utk jage dorang. bagi aku pluang tu. Amin.

its not easy, nk hadapi sume ni, with Tia around. because I cant let my tears fall. I cant show my sad face.

takkan aku nk nanges dlm blik air tiap masee. pelik lak mandi lame2. kerap lak tu!

bilik tade kipas. aku akan menangis kepanasan. nk nanges pun ade tempat2 tertentu je k.. kene slese!

so.. rasenye aku tade pape utang so far.. aku dah confess kt those I made mistakes at.. Ive done everything I thought could fix things. tinggal tgk aku dimaafkan ke x.. lain2 aku bserah okay.

harini urusan aku dipermudahkan Allah. Dia sntiase mendengar.

Maliza. kalau tanak dilupekan. jgn lupekan Dia jugak k.

kuat skit! positive outcomes only!

ill take risks. ill be back on my 2 feet. cos its not like I lose everything. JUST hati je kannn. dengan soul. tapi I have mama and abah around. their faith and hopes in me. okay.

get it boss!

tu dah cukup utk buat hari aku terase begitulah muram and gloomy skali. harharhahr. tapi aku telah bjaye menyiapkannya tepat pade pukul 3.45AM bersamaan Ahad. janji nk kuar arini (kejap lagi) ngn Allie, Miera and Tia. Janji kul 9 bangun. tataw la jadi ke x. sbb da nk kul 4 tak tido2 lagi nih. hmmmm. tp lege sbb assignment dah siap.

Tadi aku menghadap Allah. stelah beberape lame jugak aku sombong dan lalai. AGAIN. bile aku rase susa hati sgt. baru aku cari Dia.

mmg la doa takkan termakbul kalau camni. but really. lepas cakap and luah sume. rase lege gilee even aku mcm ckp sorang. zzz. Its just that, sometimes aku rase aku cukup kuat. tp ade mase, aku just rase nk give up trying pun. kalau sakit hati ni tade, aku leh je idup happy gile nk mampus mcm dulu. tp sbb sakit ati tu tanak ilang. and sbb aku tak pecaye yg bende tu leh ilang pun. So tadi, aku berserah lagi skali.

please please,Ya Allah. anything. tp just aku tanak ade prasaan mcm ni; benci and dengki ats ksenangan org lain. nk rosakkan idup org, senang gile sbenanye. and to actually lawan diri aku dr jadi mcm tu la yg paling susa. mcm impossible nk buat.

so disebabkan aku ade masalah psychology tadi, aku tetibe message my old best friend. It goes like this.

‘Hi! Thank you. thank you for everything. you have been a great friend. Have I really lost my bestfriend or I still have the chance to fix things? I really miss the old times. ‘

*er specifically I should have said, the old us.  but tataw la nape aku x ckp cmtu. it was all random ok!

but die x reply. maybe dah tido. entahlah. just that rase mcm aku dah hilang die. hes really important sbenanye.. cume lately aku terase btul die tade.. aku rase mcm aku dah cube. aku ade ajak die kua jumpe sume. tp die mcm asek2 busy je. ntah la. maybe btul2 tanak jmpe aku? I mean. kalau tanak ckp jela. we’re adults. I can take it. cheh. maybe die underestimate kekuatan aku. hmmm!

xsabanye abes intersesi!

Oh. tadi Abah ade call. hmmm. cakap mama batuk. demam. teruk jugak smpai call taleh angkat sbb taleh ckp. Im kinda worried. hopefully Mama sihat cpt. aku risau sbb lately Mama macam asek demam je..

risau la. sbb aku jauh. and sbb sian kt Abah kene jage Mama and my aunt tu. hm.

and sembang2 sume. Abah ckp pasal ZheMarleey. haha. die kate activenyeee skang. So I said sbb byk masee~ he said, tape , Abah support. nanti balik kite gi register SSM. awh. there was tearss~~~ in my eye. hehehe. Told Abah bout buying the stuffs directly from China and he said, no problem! one at a time k!

so cite2 dah tinggi. hopefully everything went well jelah. Amin..

Maybe I should be off to bed. kang x bangun sok ngamok lak Allie.

KUNGFU PANDA ONDAWAY!!

Aku baru lepas mandi.and that is lepas tgk movie Confessions. it was okay la.harini dah tetido petang because I was so sleepy and bgn around 9PM. rase mcm dah pukul 3pagi. >.<

so since da taleh tido, tpakse la pk ape nk buat spnjng mlm and smpai la skang aku taleh tido. 350AM.

tadi aku dah terbuat something. it was all random and aku x pk panjang pun.

tetibe aku rase nk text someone yg dah almost staun aku x text.

aku ckp, Happy Birthday

sweet x? haha.

and he replied. tp aku bukan nk wat pape pun. just wanna know if die hidup lagi. aku nk tanye jugak, if he is happy. tp takkan tetibe pas happy birthday nk tnye, weyy ko happy x?

mungkin kerandom-an aku blum smpai thap tu.

anyway. aku cube tido smbil tsenyum. sbb. ntah la. aku rase die happy. tp aku taleh nk happy lagi sbb aku x sure. so kalau aku ni kawan aku, aku akan ckp kt diri aku, kenape ko bodoh sgt nk sebok amek taw die happy ke x? and aku akan tersenyap memilkirkan betape betulnye kate kawan aku tu. tp kawan aku tu bukan aku. so she wont understand.

because, mase die pegi, it was like ade something kt aku yg pegi gak.

harharharhahar. sjibik mcm movie tadi punye dialogue.

menyesal x? so far belum lagi, sbb aku x wat pape pun. and jauh skali aku nk kacau hbgn org, sbb aku takkan jadi mcm pompan tu. never never. aku mungkin selfish when it comes to MOST of the things, tp aku bukan selfish nk korbankan prasaan pompan lain demi sorang lelaki. mmg laki tu bleh wat aku jadi mcm ni. all stupid and buat aku ade prasaan yg susa aku nk explain, tp prasaan tu sgt sakit and sbb prasaan tu, aku buat org lain sakit jugak. tp, ntah la. tade explanation. or point utk aku ckp pasal tu.

sbb prasaan aku skang, all mixed up.

mcm aku ckp kt someone, maybe aku benci, tp bende yg aku paling nak is, he’s happy with his choice, even its not me. tp cmne aku nk pastikan die happy? susah nk ckp. xkn la aku kene  tinted kete and benti jauh skit dr umah die and ngendap 24/7??

aku cube tido awl tadi. tp sbb hati aku tgh tkilan. aku rase mcm makin jauh je. da la mmg x dekat pun. da la x dekat, pastu makin jauh. cmne tu??

he promised to call. and aku tunggu smpai arini. tp he’d rather do something else.

I miss the old times. I really do. gayut hari2. I know I was different back then. mmg different sgt. aku lupe yg aku happy dulu. terlampau happy. and skang aku x dpt da feeling tu. maybe ade kadang2. tp x penah same da. maybe xkn same.

mmg aku bosan. bosan text ari2. sbb tade mende nk ckp pun. tnye da mkn blom? watpe, and same old things. skang, da la ckp jarang, pastu ckp mende same je. so lgi boring kot??

maybe aku patut bele kucing!

anyway. hari ni akan berlalu. besok pun akan berlalu. maybe aku takla se excited dulu nk harung hari2 ni kan, tapi, aku kene igt and bersyukur aku still ade pluang utk hidup. bukan takat hidup je. hidup dgn sgt sihat and sume ade. Alhamdulillah.

adekah ade kaitan ngn sbb aku makin matang? ZZZ I wish.

so smpai arini aku x mkn nasik. bangge weh! tp aku makan sume mende kecuali nasik. haha. mcm tade effect je nt. zz. kononnye konsep nye adelah utk skip nasik so that perut get used to not having nasik, then baru quit daging. cume tu maybe mase balik kang, sbb aku tade duit nk beli healthy2 meal and masak ni.

business doin okay, Alhamdulillah. harap2 dpt jual kasut yg aku nk sgt tu! so cuti nanti aku akan busykan diri. tade pe penting dah. lagi x penting org yg x pentingkan aku. family first.

that’s what you taught me.

Nyte

It is scarily true! tade mood nk update post lately. haih. but intersession been reallyyy boring it kills. so rutin harian adalah menyapu lantai, basuh baju *almost hari2 sbb bosan sgt*, reke recipe baru sbb suprisingly ktorang*me and my housemate* tak kluar rumah lansung since Jumaat. haha. gladly die mcm aku jugak la. mcm x rajin kua sgt melainkan terpakse. We kinda rely on each other sbb dah ktorang bdue je ade kan. x kesah la kalau sblum tu ade konflik ke ape. tolak tepi dulu. tp aku pun tataw nape ade certain org tu terlampau negative and suke sgt amik taw hal org lain. bukan taleh, its good la nak amik taw mcm aku bawak laki masuk umah, pastu org sblah sebok2 ke ape kan. tp ni mcm amek taw mnde yg tade kaitan ngn die pun. tp die plak susah2 hati. haihhh. kalau brani, tegur la depan2..

anyway. xyah bad mood sbb org cmtu. zzz. so arini aku tibe2 rase mcm aku kene update gak ZheMarleey even dah janji aku update only lepas dah register kt SSM. tp lame sgt la. dgn sbb bosan sgt, aku rase baik aku amek order. and Alhamdulillah, last Friday dah abis Test 1 for Risk Management, and gladly lecturer aku baik giles, ktorang nye Test 1 open book

oh. utk sape2 yg wondering, Day 8 tu aku nye project rahsie. haha. okay x rahsie sgt.Dah 8 hari x makan nasik. yay! x saba tunggu next yearr!

im coming back okay. I am.  aku just harap aku jadi lebih kuat and berani to confront it bile mase tu dah sampai. cos ill be foolin myself kalau ckp bende tu xkn jadi. I know it would. just the matter of when. so harap2nye WHEN tu takkan went terribly awkward or has bloody ends.

Dear Allah, thanks for the opportunities and chances to get this far. aku taw aku slalu lupe. SELALU SGT ok. tp biase la. sbb aku taw aku hambe yg sgt laaa lemah and kadang2 malu dgn diri sndri sbb tlampau jahil and tlalu gilekan nikmat dunie.

well, aku tade plan yg too detail on my life mcm org lain. cos aku tanak tlalu mngharap. bukan tanak, tp mcm da tade hati pun nk plan2 nih. omg. aku rase mcm soul aku dah mati. …

kalau btul ade such thing as vampire. please. ID LOVE TO BECOME ONE.

sbb aku dah taw aku nk gi gigit sape. hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

aiyo. living with the guilt, and terkilan, and pain. sgt sgt torturing ok. smpai ade mase mcm rase nk mati je. senang cite, the most terrible feeling is heartache. KOT. for me it is.

kalau dulu im looking forward utk bgn every day, sbb nk taw ape akan jadi besok and besok. tak saba. with all the plans, excited gile! tp skang, aku tido, dgn harapan esok cpt dtg, sbb aku taleh tunggu da nk abeskan sehari. sehari seems too long. felt like forever.

and aku nk cpt tua, harap2 sempat visit sume places kt dunie ni dlu sblum ak mati.and aku nk cpt jadi wise, nk jadi sorang yg lagi penyaba. nk taw sgt2, if Allah has a better plan for me maybe?

em.

nk wish dulu birthday someone on next month. date yg aku nk sgt lupe tp taleh. and nk wish pun dah taleh. harap2 mase tarikh tu aku tlampau busy smpai x teringat. sbb aku tanak igt..

so Happy Birthday. pape pun die wat, aku harapkan yg terbaik utk die even yg terbaik bg die tu mcm paling teruk skali bagi aku. haha. tapelah. its fated this way. Ive made the decision so no turning back ok? Smoge Allah lindungi die slalu, and smoge die happy and bahagie in whatever die wat. amin..

Lepas ni, tade jelly2 mushy2 feeling. aku kene kuat, andddd duit come first. err. I mean after family. family tu mcm mmg wajib la 1st. so duit mcm the 2nd first. okay!

I can do this. tade mase dahh. the time will come bile mase tu aku akan sorang2 and sume mende aku sorang kene handle. Mama and Abah wont stick around forever, even aku sgt2 harap they would.. reality is aku akan ttp sorang2 nanti. harap2 aku ready for everything. it just sometimes bile pkkan mase depan, pk aku akan tua, and mama abah akan lagi tua, akan sakit. aku rase mcm takut la. sbb cpt sgt… aku rase mcm aku x sempat wat pape pun lg utk dorang.. and takut sbb takut x sempat..

I love you Mama, Abah.

alamek. tlupe. nape post aku pasal past? sbb mase final aritu… aku terserempak dgn someone. someone from my past. tp not that important, cume die rapat dgn the one yg used to be important to me. so aku mcm terkesima jap. haha. sbb his face doesn’t change. so.. probably his pun same..mule2 aku nampak die kt mushroom. like skali pandang, aku trus kenal. of course la. org2 mcm ni aku takkan leh lupe. tp sbb nk cpt, aku tak tgk lame2, and mcm tekjut sbb cmne die leh dtgg sini? haha. dlm byk2 UiTM. zzz. so the 2nd time nmpak kt examination hall. so aku dah sure its him.

anyway. aku tak wat pape pun. just gazing and tenung die lame2 mcm bleh bace soul die. haha. dats all yg aku mampu wat. zzz

ok bye! aku rase mcm tade motif la nk update ni. tp terase mcm kene update sbb da lame sgt. zzz