JustMarl

but.. I know I had to. because, aku rase dah tak mampu la nk pecaye kt sape2 pun.watpe nk pecaye kt org, just to be stabbed behind ur back je nanti?? no thanks. I’d rather not to get attached with sape2 pun.

sometimes.. selalunye, mase2 mcm ni la.. aku rase sedey sgt. aku taw bkn aku je ade masalah ni.. tp cmne org lain tu, bleh lalu sume ni, mcm sume ni tade pape?? adekah dorang pun bpure2, mcm aku buat? sbb tak sanggup nk jawab bile kawan tanye?or dorang betul2 can totally get over it??

sometimes, I wish, he changed his number. so that aku bleh try call, and my call cant get thru. and then I can say. well, I tried. nampaknye mmg tade jodoh..

but how could I, bile aku taw hes always there, and the IFs are just to painful utk aku biarkan. what if, he forget my new number, number yg aku tuka sbb nk avoid die, but now aku dah dtg dlm hidup die, and die lupe save? what if, hes not happy and he needs someone to talk to, but tade sape utk die??

I can be there for him…

I was there. all this while. im the one that he called early morning, nangis. cakap mak die dah tade.

Im the one who should be sitting next to him right now.

butttttttttttttttt

Im not.

Allah ade yg lebih baik utk aku ke???

hmmm

yep. maybe.

I want him to stop trying. cos the more he tries, the more it hurts.

really. I don’t need other problems lagi dah.

this is enaf.

someone made a promise to me.. and, kalau die tak mampu tunaikan.. I wont blame him…

but… I guess tu tandenye utk aku brenti.

and I will.

so we’ll see

rushed out from my room dgn mate  yg hardly terbukak sbb byk taik mate lagi, tgh pening sbb terkejut dr tido. bukan terbgn dr tido k. TERKEJUT. pastu saw her terduduk on the floor with kaca all around. my goodness! tak pk pape, terus angkat die, and I literally terpakse seret die sbb shes too heavy. but I worried she’d cause more trouble pulak nanti kaki bdrah2 ke ape. kate aku dere die plak. sakit ati sbb pinggan asik pecah je. geram sbb die tak reti2 nk makan ubat.

lately baru notice yg period die asik dtg je. mcm tak normal. tataw la die tipu ke ape. tp mmg mcm kerap jugak. ade pnyakit lain ke?

anyway. hikmahnye, aku terus bgn and taleh tido da. hahahhaha.

bukan senang k aku nk bgn pagi2 cmni.

moist chocolate cake

rendang ayam

blueberry cheese tart

okay yg bawah skali tu definitely bkn aku buat. haha. tp cuti ni aku da mkn mcm 4 cheese tart tu. sbb sdap sgt!! warghh

tapi aku dah blaja wat rendang. and my 1st rendang daging aku bagi kt Isa. hahahahahaha

and da nk brakhir hari tu, baru aku tringat something was missing. so baru notice aku x letak gule sbb lupe. hahahha

tp die kate sedap. tataw la bodek ke ape kan. muahahhahaa

ok later!

but doing so would makes me feel like im childish. and fragile. and nothing positive would actually comes out of it.

Alhamdulillah. aku bersyukur utk semua yg aku dpt..

cuti lately, aku byk tgk berite2. kemarau kt Africa.. budak2 kecik tu dah lame sgt tak makan, they cant really makan tibe2 even mase tu ade makanan. because body dorang mcm taleh trime. kene gune tube sume. oh man. but sometimes, kite lupe jugak betape bernasib baiknye kite. salu pening sbb nk pk bebuke nk makan KT MANE. pening sbb byk sgt plihannye. tp kt sane…

emm.

aku taw yg ati aku ni hitam and busuk. aku sedar. aku rase, this is something yg aku kene buat.. utk diri sindri jugak.. aku sbenanye takut. okay, cthnye, org igt aku benci makcik aku. well… aku tade la kejam gile. even ade org mmg igt aku kejam, but theres nothing I can do about it.. aku taw die tak mintak lahir mcm tu. ye ye. aku taw sume tu. mmg aku rase bsalah jugak kadang2. sbb aku tak layan die baik. yela, kadang2 geram sbb die bukan tataw die sakit, tp degil betul bab makan ubat. tapi lepas tu, aku rase, die bukan tanak makan, tp die salu mcm kt dunie sindri..so aku rase, die sbenanye igt die da makan kot.

aku cume tgh pk..sameade, aku akan jage die slame2nye? if so, adekah aku dgn mama and abah? or aku sorang je? I know hati mama abah mesti berkecai kalau aku anta die kt uma kebajikan ke.. I mean, I would never want them to see me becoming that kind of person..aku just harap. pape pun jadi, if la, if aku kene face the worst, Allah bagi aku kekuatan utk lalui sume tu..

so, past few days, aku dah tukar link blog ni, and I don’t wish to give the url to anyone.. not even Isa.

its better that way kot. and maybe I should have done it long time ago..

mcm yg aku ckp, last2, aku je ade utk diri sindri. I must train myself, not to rely on other people. I must stand on my own feet,I have to be strong.

InsyaAllah, kalau la aku berjaye tamatkan degree ni dgn flying colors, aku mmg ade terdetik nak sambung Master. tp probably bukan dlm bidang business. sbb aku rase mcm aku nk pursue the knowledge in psychology. I have no idea WHY. tp aku rase mcm aku nak yg tu la.

look, I don’t always have the answers to everything okay??

aku mungkin dah sakitkan hati sesetengah org, sbb, aku kenal diri aku kot. aku mmg suke control. kalau boleh aku nk sume bjalan ikut care aku. sbb by doing so, baru la aku dpt kepuasan dlm ape2 bende yg aku buat tu, mcm group project ke.. so bile group tu jatuh, aku la jugak yg akan jadi terpaling frust, and vice versa.

I don’t really care if my team members tak buat kerje. sbb aku x percaye org mcm tu boleh survive lame dlm organization. so papepun, rezeki kite tu mungkin jugak tak berkat kalau kite tak tunaikan tanggungjawab kite betul2 kan? what I can say is, the least we can do is TRY.

lain2 berserah je pade Allah.

aku rase takut, lagi2 sekarang.. aku takut aku tak mampu tunaikan ape yg Mama and Abah harapkan. gosh.. ape dorang bagi, terlalu2 byk, and aku tak mampu nk crite thru sentences. my last wish, at least.. biarlah aku sempat jadi sorang anak yg baik utk dorang. I want everything counts.

I hurt few people along the way, and as lonely as I get, I know its nothing compared to the heartache ive caused them.

yeah… I see myself as a terrible person. but.. im trying now.id choose Mama and Abah, always. over everything pun.

ive learned that, friends, even bestfriends..they don’t stay with you forever by yourside. they have their own busy life, their own problems. own spaces. emm. sume lah. so sebyk2 masalah yg aku ade, probably they’re facing worse.

em..I just hope that, aku tak sakitkan hati sape2 lagi.. I thought it would be easy. its easy to be bad and mean. I know. cos ive been there, done that. mmg senang bagi aku utk sakitkan hati org.. senang nk tolak org..my relationship now with isa, its hard. sbb knowing that we used to date, and mmg impossible nk tuka feeling jadi kawan, I mean, I have no feelings kt die lansung.. but Allah je taw. aku harapkan yg terbaik utk die, sbb aku tak deserve die. so our relationship susah. sbb ade masenye, die dtg bile aku mmg perlukan someone. die dtg bile aku mmg tgh sunyi. and its hard for me, utktolak die, mase aku in need. I know. if aku tak tolak die mase tu, means im using him. and that’s selfish. and the whole break up thing, is to avoid me, from being one 1st place.

ofcourse I can act all okay, bubbly, cheerful and all happy depan org. Im a good actor. maybe even great. tapi, mlm2 nk tido, aku nanges jugak sorang2. I know its not the life I wanted. but cmne nk erase the memories, the love and pain? if life were easy, it wouldn’t be worth living right? yeah. I guess so.

sboleh2nye, aku tanak libatkan sesape pun. biar sume aku tanggung sindri. aku nk jadi matang. aku kene kuat utk future baby aku

lagi 2 taun je, lepas tu aku akan pergi satu journey, journey utk cari parent kandung aku.. and im pretty excited about the plans. lol

its okay, dulu plan dgn org lain..tp sorang pun ape salahnye kan? lagi adventure~

teringin nk jadi mcm those backpackers. bdikari. hmm. I have the strong will. tp not sure if skill aku cukup utk sume tu. hmmmm

anyway. aku mmg kene tido awal. sbb janji nk goreng mee special yg aku blaja buat mase intersesi tu. hehe. so yeah. goodnite Maliza

things been.. em confusing lately.

theres just so many things yg aku nk buat. haha. im pretty preoccupied with my little projects. nk buat skirt la, nk buat pallazo pants la, well, I made one dgn berjayenye sbenanye. okay. of course with Mama’s help. pastu I bake alotttt. and masak byk jugak.

em.

so kelmarin I went to Alamanda with a friend. makan Nandos for the last time la kononnye, sbb aritu mase kua ngn Syahmi, x puas ati sbb ayam aku kecik , so kempunan dah ilang. MUAHAHAHHHA

perut aku membesar dgn cemerlangnye. even aku mmg nk sgt2 eksesais, I just don’t have the courage to do so. zzz. but at least, aku dah kemas bilik SIKIT. yg tu dah tertanggung like seminggu. cepat je sminggu tu blalu kan?

Makcik came for a visit last 2days. Die pegi tgk Floria which aku yg duduk sini, and Floria ade tiap2 taun, aku tak penah pegi pon. haha. kinda funny. every night around 10PM mesti ade fireworks, and dpt tgk dr rumah aku je. nice kann. tp terhalang skit dgn block rumah depan, so mcm dpt tgk yg tinggi2 or ujung2 bunge api je. tp bunyi die rase mcm ktorang in the middle of perang. awesomee. cume kadang2 terkejut, mase tgh menjahit ke. *ecehceh

aku rase, cuti ni, I haven’t say NO to whatever mama suruh buat. yep. I feel good. aku rase mcm aku sorang anak yg baik. hehe. em. buat mase ni, and smpai la mase die smpai. aku just utk Mama and Abah. aku yg plih and aku tak menyesal pasal plihan ni.. cume well. I wish I just can have them all. tapi tableh, and little I notice, aku dah smpai where Im standing now.

Back then, aku rase mcm aku taleh buat pape pun. of course, that was just your mind playing tricks on you.. and I’m glad and proud of my self cos Im still able to keep myself together with everythings been happening lately..

Sakit Mama macam nk datang balik.. aku doa sgt2 tade pape jadi. aku harap at least la, if nk sakit pun, biarla mase I’m around… the last time, yg mama operation tu, aku tade kt rumah. that was.. the most terrible moment for me. well, selain knowing your ex is now dating your ex-bestfriend. hehe. but nothing beats what happened to Mama la. rase mcm nk terbang je dr Arau tu pegi teman mama. siap nanges2 dlm phone ckp nk balik, tp abah tak bagi. wuwuwuw. sedey gile. mase tu, terase sgt2.. even tak jadi lagi. well the thought was there. you know, the thought of losing. phew. Alhamdulillah everything went well.

so aku tanak ade mcm tu lagi. theres few things I wish I would have done it differently, but no one can change the fate, and the past. sooooooooooooo

aku just nk appreciate the moments I have now with Mama and Abah, cos I know time is never our friend.

Batch for June ‘11 aritu, eventhough slow sgt sgt, aku berjaye jugak close ikut scheduled date. and I need something else. something bigger. tp tataw cmne nk buat. argh. if only ade someone yg bleh guide aku. cos I really want this so bad.

so basically, aku rase, cuti sem ni la cuti yg aku paling byk buat activity kot. maybe aku bukan la mcm too outgoing type. er. actually I am, cume aku prefer kuar dgn kawan2. and since tade sape ajak, aku duk uma je la. So tade la nk jumpe aku kt urbanscapes tu ke, kt bon odori tu ke. kalau org x cite, mmg aku x taw la pasal kewujudan event2 tu. hehe. tp aku mungkin pegi marching band nanti. let see bleh ajak sape

some stuff, aku just tanak overthink. byk sgt mase dah terbuang kt bende2 mcm tu. id prefer to spend all my time kt diri sindri je. and some close friends. and mama abah. lagi afdal kot. hehe.

so yeah… bukan tanak usehe, maybe belum masenye lagi. ikut flow okay?

well for a start, who doesn’t kan?? so ive made myself a long list of things I planned to do this hols.sbb tiap kali abes cuti sem rase mcm bengang ngn diri sendiri sbb x gune btul2 mase ade. hmmm

sooo. so far, yg aku dah buat is, spend time with Naguto, buat Maybank card and the M2U, and setel paypal and BIMB. just bengang sbb BIMB nye online banking mcm lembab nk mampos. nk topap duit kt paypal pun susah!!!! lepas setel ni la baru boleh order barang and setel pasal kasut plak. till then I just can wait and wait.

just now I found out that I need to have an I-Access code. which hanye boleh didapati kt BIMB ATM!!!! demm!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! why everything gotta be so hard? okay. on the bright side, maybe alasan2 mcm ni la yg aku perlukan spaye aku actually KELUAR dr umah ni. sbb biasenye kalau x de sape ajak kua, aku leh duk dlm umah ni sbulan tanpe kluar at all. terer x? haa. jgn men2 k.

so arini aku blaja wat rendang. which was awesomeeeee. pedasssss. I loikee! pastu buat cake yg super-sweet smpai all the chocolate drools smpai tertumpah2 kt tepi cake tu sume. yummm. and aku stil belum ganti pose lagi 2 hari. haha. bile hati senang, sume mende aku tibai. org kate time stress je kite mkn x terkawal. haha.mane ade! time aku stress, aku takkan ade slere nk makan.

my rambut dah jadi extra extra long. smpai perut dah. wow. tgh consider nk potong short. hmm. tade sebab2 yg specific just yet. maybe just sbb I need a small change kot.emmmmm. so maybe mase cuti tu aku bjaye turun 1 kg, sbb suar tetibe longgar jap. balik uma mcm naik 4 kg. waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

hidup aku terlalu mencabar, sbb umo2 camni aku kene busy pk cmne nk kurus and pk cmne nk kawal makan sbb nafsu aku yg membuak2 ni. darah mude katekann.

keje ngn marching band tu x jadi kot, sbbnye tade sape nk teman, and last2 minute cmni aku mcm dah figure out few things yg aku nk buat. I have found one, yg I actually love doing. so its good kot to find out that ade bende yg aku suke buat slain mkn and tido good job maliza!!

youtube been reallyy reallyyy helpful lately. hehe.rase sgt bersyukur lahir kt era ni.

emmm. so Ramadhan is just around the corner, so its gonna be my 2nd year of Ramadhan and  Raya, with just my family

I always knew Im this strong!kejap gile je dah 2 taun da. gile ah. scary. ni tande2 akhir zaman. tataw ape nk expect kt mase depan. mcm yg aku ckp, so much to do, so little time >.<. so harap2 kite sume dpt manage mase masing2 better.

all my best wishes to everyone

its been quite a while since I last updated. tade la busy mane pun. ntah la. lately aku rase mcm mase tu berjalan wayy toooo cepat. aku mcm nk buat sume bende, tapi mase tu nampak mcm x cukup sgt2. aku berak je da bape lame da. mcm rase bende tak penting mcm berak tu patut tolak tepi dulu. kalau la bleh kan. muahhaa

aritu dpt makan durian. lepas magrib tadi aku baru smpai Putrajaya, balik kg since Ahad lepas.now listening to Natalia Kills since I could not sleep. I tried. tp ntah. maybe cos of that late nite iced coffee. kt uma nenek byk sgt kucing. haha. ee geram. comel yg kecik2 tu, yg tua, dah tua sgt smpai tido mcm tanak bgn2. pmalas!

its still hurt at times kalau terpk. but rasenye im better at handling it now and yep. pretty proud of myself! aritu tlg jage gerai cake Abang Ayie. unfortunately hari tu sales x brape nk mantap. tp time kasih Abang Ayie sbb bagi gak duit upah. hehe. and aku dpt kerje kt InternationalMarchingBands tu. ttaw how its gonna turn out. harap2 not too tiring. and harap2nye everything went well. I could really use some cash right now.

lutut lebam. tataw  nape

byk terlanggar bende lately. so mcm luke and lebam merate2. skarang mcm dah tak kesah pape sgt. sbb ade byk sgt bende penting tak terbuat2.

hmmmmmmmmm

Mama and Abah been a good supporter lately. sgt2 membantu. and aku sgt2 berterime kasih. so harap2nye sume went well. cos I really really need this to work out badly. I wont give up. until aku dpt buat ape aku nak.

I miss my friends. I mean real friends lah. mcm dah lame tak catch up ngn they allsss. bukan tanak. tapi, really. rase mcm mase tu suntuknye lah! and rase mcm next time bole jumpe lagi kan kan. tp last2 sume org ade hal. and x dpt jumpe. waaaa

aku rase, abes blaja nanti, aku nk bele kucing or. an exotic pet. a snake gonna freak mama’s out. emmm. maybe something fluffy and kecik je kot. hamster? kecik sgt. argh. kucing jela senang. tgk kucing momel kt uma nenek. mcm syg plak tetibe. tu la. aku ni penyayang orgnye kan kan.

ade mase, aku rase menangis tu perlu kot. its not really that easy to act mcm everythings okay. with all those crappy things going on around you. the need to catch up and know everything that’s happening. at the same time nk get yourself together utk hadapi sume tu. bukan nk merungut.. I just wish if it could be less harder. sbb kadang2 mcm the pain is just unbearable.

I still have some of his presents, and love notes… and everytime tertgk. rase mcm ade needle cucuk my hati. haha. and not sure if I should throw them away. cos the last time I did, *threw Umpa away. aku rase rindu sgt. and menyesal

knowing that someone doesn’t care about you anymore, when you used to be their everything once. that’s mcm devastating sgt sgt. and example, Umpa, Umpa tu la antare bukti yg left for me, utk remind me yg, he once cared…

scary how people can get so mean,and cruel all of sudden. and changed, jadi someone we never expect them would become ..

well, life is a learning process kan?

I chose You, and my family over him.

so, dear Allah. I hope that counts. even maybe im in no position to ask for anything….

just that, if You are listening..

I just need some peace on my mind. and its not that I wish anyone would understand this, cos I know no one would ever could…

good night!