JustMarl

but.. I know I had to. because, aku rase dah tak mampu la nk pecaye kt sape2 pun.watpe nk pecaye kt org, just to be stabbed behind ur back je nanti?? no thanks. I’d rather not to get attached with sape2 pun.

sometimes.. selalunye, mase2 mcm ni la.. aku rase sedey sgt. aku taw bkn aku je ade masalah ni.. tp cmne org lain tu, bleh lalu sume ni, mcm sume ni tade pape?? adekah dorang pun bpure2, mcm aku buat? sbb tak sanggup nk jawab bile kawan tanye?or dorang betul2 can totally get over it??

sometimes, I wish, he changed his number. so that aku bleh try call, and my call cant get thru. and then I can say. well, I tried. nampaknye mmg tade jodoh..

but how could I, bile aku taw hes always there, and the IFs are just to painful utk aku biarkan. what if, he forget my new number, number yg aku tuka sbb nk avoid die, but now aku dah dtg dlm hidup die, and die lupe save? what if, hes not happy and he needs someone to talk to, but tade sape utk die??

I can be there for him…

I was there. all this while. im the one that he called early morning, nangis. cakap mak die dah tade.

Im the one who should be sitting next to him right now.

butttttttttttttttt

Im not.

Allah ade yg lebih baik utk aku ke???

hmmm

yep. maybe.

I want him to stop trying. cos the more he tries, the more it hurts.

really. I don’t need other problems lagi dah.

this is enaf.

someone made a promise to me.. and, kalau die tak mampu tunaikan.. I wont blame him…

but… I guess tu tandenye utk aku brenti.

and I will.

so we’ll see

rushed out from my room dgn mate  yg hardly terbukak sbb byk taik mate lagi, tgh pening sbb terkejut dr tido. bukan terbgn dr tido k. TERKEJUT. pastu saw her terduduk on the floor with kaca all around. my goodness! tak pk pape, terus angkat die, and I literally terpakse seret die sbb shes too heavy. but I worried she’d cause more trouble pulak nanti kaki bdrah2 ke ape. kate aku dere die plak. sakit ati sbb pinggan asik pecah je. geram sbb die tak reti2 nk makan ubat.

lately baru notice yg period die asik dtg je. mcm tak normal. tataw la die tipu ke ape. tp mmg mcm kerap jugak. ade pnyakit lain ke?

anyway. hikmahnye, aku terus bgn and taleh tido da. hahahhaha.

bukan senang k aku nk bgn pagi2 cmni.

moist chocolate cake

rendang ayam

blueberry cheese tart

okay yg bawah skali tu definitely bkn aku buat. haha. tp cuti ni aku da mkn mcm 4 cheese tart tu. sbb sdap sgt!! warghh

tapi aku dah blaja wat rendang. and my 1st rendang daging aku bagi kt Isa. hahahahahaha

and da nk brakhir hari tu, baru aku tringat something was missing. so baru notice aku x letak gule sbb lupe. hahahha

tp die kate sedap. tataw la bodek ke ape kan. muahahhahaa

ok later!

but doing so would makes me feel like im childish. and fragile. and nothing positive would actually comes out of it.

Alhamdulillah. aku bersyukur utk semua yg aku dpt..

cuti lately, aku byk tgk berite2. kemarau kt Africa.. budak2 kecik tu dah lame sgt tak makan, they cant really makan tibe2 even mase tu ade makanan. because body dorang mcm taleh trime. kene gune tube sume. oh man. but sometimes, kite lupe jugak betape bernasib baiknye kite. salu pening sbb nk pk bebuke nk makan KT MANE. pening sbb byk sgt plihannye. tp kt sane…

emm.

aku taw yg ati aku ni hitam and busuk. aku sedar. aku rase, this is something yg aku kene buat.. utk diri sindri jugak.. aku sbenanye takut. okay, cthnye, org igt aku benci makcik aku. well… aku tade la kejam gile. even ade org mmg igt aku kejam, but theres nothing I can do about it.. aku taw die tak mintak lahir mcm tu. ye ye. aku taw sume tu. mmg aku rase bsalah jugak kadang2. sbb aku tak layan die baik. yela, kadang2 geram sbb die bukan tataw die sakit, tp degil betul bab makan ubat. tapi lepas tu, aku rase, die bukan tanak makan, tp die salu mcm kt dunie sindri..so aku rase, die sbenanye igt die da makan kot.

aku cume tgh pk..sameade, aku akan jage die slame2nye? if so, adekah aku dgn mama and abah? or aku sorang je? I know hati mama abah mesti berkecai kalau aku anta die kt uma kebajikan ke.. I mean, I would never want them to see me becoming that kind of person..aku just harap. pape pun jadi, if la, if aku kene face the worst, Allah bagi aku kekuatan utk lalui sume tu..

so, past few days, aku dah tukar link blog ni, and I don’t wish to give the url to anyone.. not even Isa.

its better that way kot. and maybe I should have done it long time ago..

mcm yg aku ckp, last2, aku je ade utk diri sindri. I must train myself, not to rely on other people. I must stand on my own feet,I have to be strong.

InsyaAllah, kalau la aku berjaye tamatkan degree ni dgn flying colors, aku mmg ade terdetik nak sambung Master. tp probably bukan dlm bidang business. sbb aku rase mcm aku nk pursue the knowledge in psychology. I have no idea WHY. tp aku rase mcm aku nak yg tu la.

look, I don’t always have the answers to everything okay??

aku mungkin dah sakitkan hati sesetengah org, sbb, aku kenal diri aku kot. aku mmg suke control. kalau boleh aku nk sume bjalan ikut care aku. sbb by doing so, baru la aku dpt kepuasan dlm ape2 bende yg aku buat tu, mcm group project ke.. so bile group tu jatuh, aku la jugak yg akan jadi terpaling frust, and vice versa.

I don’t really care if my team members tak buat kerje. sbb aku x percaye org mcm tu boleh survive lame dlm organization. so papepun, rezeki kite tu mungkin jugak tak berkat kalau kite tak tunaikan tanggungjawab kite betul2 kan? what I can say is, the least we can do is TRY.

lain2 berserah je pade Allah.

aku rase takut, lagi2 sekarang.. aku takut aku tak mampu tunaikan ape yg Mama and Abah harapkan. gosh.. ape dorang bagi, terlalu2 byk, and aku tak mampu nk crite thru sentences. my last wish, at least.. biarlah aku sempat jadi sorang anak yg baik utk dorang. I want everything counts.

I hurt few people along the way, and as lonely as I get, I know its nothing compared to the heartache ive caused them.

yeah… I see myself as a terrible person. but.. im trying now.id choose Mama and Abah, always. over everything pun.

ive learned that, friends, even bestfriends..they don’t stay with you forever by yourside. they have their own busy life, their own problems. own spaces. emm. sume lah. so sebyk2 masalah yg aku ade, probably they’re facing worse.

em..I just hope that, aku tak sakitkan hati sape2 lagi.. I thought it would be easy. its easy to be bad and mean. I know. cos ive been there, done that. mmg senang bagi aku utk sakitkan hati org.. senang nk tolak org..my relationship now with isa, its hard. sbb knowing that we used to date, and mmg impossible nk tuka feeling jadi kawan, I mean, I have no feelings kt die lansung.. but Allah je taw. aku harapkan yg terbaik utk die, sbb aku tak deserve die. so our relationship susah. sbb ade masenye, die dtg bile aku mmg perlukan someone. die dtg bile aku mmg tgh sunyi. and its hard for me, utktolak die, mase aku in need. I know. if aku tak tolak die mase tu, means im using him. and that’s selfish. and the whole break up thing, is to avoid me, from being one 1st place.

ofcourse I can act all okay, bubbly, cheerful and all happy depan org. Im a good actor. maybe even great. tapi, mlm2 nk tido, aku nanges jugak sorang2. I know its not the life I wanted. but cmne nk erase the memories, the love and pain? if life were easy, it wouldn’t be worth living right? yeah. I guess so.

sboleh2nye, aku tanak libatkan sesape pun. biar sume aku tanggung sindri. aku nk jadi matang. aku kene kuat utk future baby aku

lagi 2 taun je, lepas tu aku akan pergi satu journey, journey utk cari parent kandung aku.. and im pretty excited about the plans. lol

its okay, dulu plan dgn org lain..tp sorang pun ape salahnye kan? lagi adventure~

teringin nk jadi mcm those backpackers. bdikari. hmm. I have the strong will. tp not sure if skill aku cukup utk sume tu. hmmmm

anyway. aku mmg kene tido awal. sbb janji nk goreng mee special yg aku blaja buat mase intersesi tu. hehe. so yeah. goodnite Maliza

things been.. em confusing lately.

theres just so many things yg aku nk buat. haha. im pretty preoccupied with my little projects. nk buat skirt la, nk buat pallazo pants la, well, I made one dgn berjayenye sbenanye. okay. of course with Mama’s help. pastu I bake alotttt. and masak byk jugak.

em.

so kelmarin I went to Alamanda with a friend. makan Nandos for the last time la kononnye, sbb aritu mase kua ngn Syahmi, x puas ati sbb ayam aku kecik , so kempunan dah ilang. MUAHAHAHHHA

perut aku membesar dgn cemerlangnye. even aku mmg nk sgt2 eksesais, I just don’t have the courage to do so. zzz. but at least, aku dah kemas bilik SIKIT. yg tu dah tertanggung like seminggu. cepat je sminggu tu blalu kan?

Makcik came for a visit last 2days. Die pegi tgk Floria which aku yg duduk sini, and Floria ade tiap2 taun, aku tak penah pegi pon. haha. kinda funny. every night around 10PM mesti ade fireworks, and dpt tgk dr rumah aku je. nice kann. tp terhalang skit dgn block rumah depan, so mcm dpt tgk yg tinggi2 or ujung2 bunge api je. tp bunyi die rase mcm ktorang in the middle of perang. awesomee. cume kadang2 terkejut, mase tgh menjahit ke. *ecehceh

aku rase, cuti ni, I haven’t say NO to whatever mama suruh buat. yep. I feel good. aku rase mcm aku sorang anak yg baik. hehe. em. buat mase ni, and smpai la mase die smpai. aku just utk Mama and Abah. aku yg plih and aku tak menyesal pasal plihan ni.. cume well. I wish I just can have them all. tapi tableh, and little I notice, aku dah smpai where Im standing now.

Back then, aku rase mcm aku taleh buat pape pun. of course, that was just your mind playing tricks on you.. and I’m glad and proud of my self cos Im still able to keep myself together with everythings been happening lately..

Sakit Mama macam nk datang balik.. aku doa sgt2 tade pape jadi. aku harap at least la, if nk sakit pun, biarla mase I’m around… the last time, yg mama operation tu, aku tade kt rumah. that was.. the most terrible moment for me. well, selain knowing your ex is now dating your ex-bestfriend. hehe. but nothing beats what happened to Mama la. rase mcm nk terbang je dr Arau tu pegi teman mama. siap nanges2 dlm phone ckp nk balik, tp abah tak bagi. wuwuwuw. sedey gile. mase tu, terase sgt2.. even tak jadi lagi. well the thought was there. you know, the thought of losing. phew. Alhamdulillah everything went well.

so aku tanak ade mcm tu lagi. theres few things I wish I would have done it differently, but no one can change the fate, and the past. sooooooooooooo

aku just nk appreciate the moments I have now with Mama and Abah, cos I know time is never our friend.

Batch for June ‘11 aritu, eventhough slow sgt sgt, aku berjaye jugak close ikut scheduled date. and I need something else. something bigger. tp tataw cmne nk buat. argh. if only ade someone yg bleh guide aku. cos I really want this so bad.

so basically, aku rase, cuti sem ni la cuti yg aku paling byk buat activity kot. maybe aku bukan la mcm too outgoing type. er. actually I am, cume aku prefer kuar dgn kawan2. and since tade sape ajak, aku duk uma je la. So tade la nk jumpe aku kt urbanscapes tu ke, kt bon odori tu ke. kalau org x cite, mmg aku x taw la pasal kewujudan event2 tu. hehe. tp aku mungkin pegi marching band nanti. let see bleh ajak sape

some stuff, aku just tanak overthink. byk sgt mase dah terbuang kt bende2 mcm tu. id prefer to spend all my time kt diri sindri je. and some close friends. and mama abah. lagi afdal kot. hehe.

so yeah… bukan tanak usehe, maybe belum masenye lagi. ikut flow okay?

well for a start, who doesn’t kan?? so ive made myself a long list of things I planned to do this hols.sbb tiap kali abes cuti sem rase mcm bengang ngn diri sendiri sbb x gune btul2 mase ade. hmmm

sooo. so far, yg aku dah buat is, spend time with Naguto, buat Maybank card and the M2U, and setel paypal and BIMB. just bengang sbb BIMB nye online banking mcm lembab nk mampos. nk topap duit kt paypal pun susah!!!! lepas setel ni la baru boleh order barang and setel pasal kasut plak. till then I just can wait and wait.

just now I found out that I need to have an I-Access code. which hanye boleh didapati kt BIMB ATM!!!! demm!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! why everything gotta be so hard? okay. on the bright side, maybe alasan2 mcm ni la yg aku perlukan spaye aku actually KELUAR dr umah ni. sbb biasenye kalau x de sape ajak kua, aku leh duk dlm umah ni sbulan tanpe kluar at all. terer x? haa. jgn men2 k.

so arini aku blaja wat rendang. which was awesomeeeee. pedasssss. I loikee! pastu buat cake yg super-sweet smpai all the chocolate drools smpai tertumpah2 kt tepi cake tu sume. yummm. and aku stil belum ganti pose lagi 2 hari. haha. bile hati senang, sume mende aku tibai. org kate time stress je kite mkn x terkawal. haha.mane ade! time aku stress, aku takkan ade slere nk makan.

my rambut dah jadi extra extra long. smpai perut dah. wow. tgh consider nk potong short. hmm. tade sebab2 yg specific just yet. maybe just sbb I need a small change kot.emmmmm. so maybe mase cuti tu aku bjaye turun 1 kg, sbb suar tetibe longgar jap. balik uma mcm naik 4 kg. waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

hidup aku terlalu mencabar, sbb umo2 camni aku kene busy pk cmne nk kurus and pk cmne nk kawal makan sbb nafsu aku yg membuak2 ni. darah mude katekann.

keje ngn marching band tu x jadi kot, sbbnye tade sape nk teman, and last2 minute cmni aku mcm dah figure out few things yg aku nk buat. I have found one, yg I actually love doing. so its good kot to find out that ade bende yg aku suke buat slain mkn and tido good job maliza!!

youtube been reallyy reallyyy helpful lately. hehe.rase sgt bersyukur lahir kt era ni.

emmm. so Ramadhan is just around the corner, so its gonna be my 2nd year of Ramadhan and  Raya, with just my family

I always knew Im this strong!kejap gile je dah 2 taun da. gile ah. scary. ni tande2 akhir zaman. tataw ape nk expect kt mase depan. mcm yg aku ckp, so much to do, so little time >.<. so harap2 kite sume dpt manage mase masing2 better.

all my best wishes to everyone

its been quite a while since I last updated. tade la busy mane pun. ntah la. lately aku rase mcm mase tu berjalan wayy toooo cepat. aku mcm nk buat sume bende, tapi mase tu nampak mcm x cukup sgt2. aku berak je da bape lame da. mcm rase bende tak penting mcm berak tu patut tolak tepi dulu. kalau la bleh kan. muahhaa

aritu dpt makan durian. lepas magrib tadi aku baru smpai Putrajaya, balik kg since Ahad lepas.now listening to Natalia Kills since I could not sleep. I tried. tp ntah. maybe cos of that late nite iced coffee. kt uma nenek byk sgt kucing. haha. ee geram. comel yg kecik2 tu, yg tua, dah tua sgt smpai tido mcm tanak bgn2. pmalas!

its still hurt at times kalau terpk. but rasenye im better at handling it now and yep. pretty proud of myself! aritu tlg jage gerai cake Abang Ayie. unfortunately hari tu sales x brape nk mantap. tp time kasih Abang Ayie sbb bagi gak duit upah. hehe. and aku dpt kerje kt InternationalMarchingBands tu. ttaw how its gonna turn out. harap2 not too tiring. and harap2nye everything went well. I could really use some cash right now.

lutut lebam. tataw  nape

byk terlanggar bende lately. so mcm luke and lebam merate2. skarang mcm dah tak kesah pape sgt. sbb ade byk sgt bende penting tak terbuat2.

hmmmmmmmmm

Mama and Abah been a good supporter lately. sgt2 membantu. and aku sgt2 berterime kasih. so harap2nye sume went well. cos I really really need this to work out badly. I wont give up. until aku dpt buat ape aku nak.

I miss my friends. I mean real friends lah. mcm dah lame tak catch up ngn they allsss. bukan tanak. tapi, really. rase mcm mase tu suntuknye lah! and rase mcm next time bole jumpe lagi kan kan. tp last2 sume org ade hal. and x dpt jumpe. waaaa

aku rase, abes blaja nanti, aku nk bele kucing or. an exotic pet. a snake gonna freak mama’s out. emmm. maybe something fluffy and kecik je kot. hamster? kecik sgt. argh. kucing jela senang. tgk kucing momel kt uma nenek. mcm syg plak tetibe. tu la. aku ni penyayang orgnye kan kan.

ade mase, aku rase menangis tu perlu kot. its not really that easy to act mcm everythings okay. with all those crappy things going on around you. the need to catch up and know everything that’s happening. at the same time nk get yourself together utk hadapi sume tu. bukan nk merungut.. I just wish if it could be less harder. sbb kadang2 mcm the pain is just unbearable.

I still have some of his presents, and love notes… and everytime tertgk. rase mcm ade needle cucuk my hati. haha. and not sure if I should throw them away. cos the last time I did, *threw Umpa away. aku rase rindu sgt. and menyesal

knowing that someone doesn’t care about you anymore, when you used to be their everything once. that’s mcm devastating sgt sgt. and example, Umpa, Umpa tu la antare bukti yg left for me, utk remind me yg, he once cared…

scary how people can get so mean,and cruel all of sudden. and changed, jadi someone we never expect them would become ..

well, life is a learning process kan?

I chose You, and my family over him.

so, dear Allah. I hope that counts. even maybe im in no position to ask for anything….

just that, if You are listening..

I just need some peace on my mind. and its not that I wish anyone would understand this, cos I know no one would ever could…

good night!

Assalamualaikum!

okay. this is gonna be ANOTHER speedy update. beberape hari ni aku sebok cube merealisasikan impian aku. which im not gonna blurt it just yet. not until it actually happens okeng? so sabaa. teehee.

Alhamdulillah. time kasih Abah sbb ‘sponsor’ duit utk aku pegi register ZheMarleey. so yeah. I theoretically have my own company now. haih. just sikit trkilan, dlm byk2 bulan, bulan JUNE jugak tarikh register tu. hmmm

Perasaan aku? mestila lagi smgt giler kot. smpai smlm aku stay up the wholeeee night cari supplier.

This is happening and its gonna happen just the way I wanted it to happened.

InsyaAllah.

hehe. even agak ketare gelojoh aku dlm berbisnes lately. salah ke im being too ambitious? hehe. and aku ade satu lagi project. tp aku tanak cite pasal tu jugak. not until it happened okay? so tunggu. I just hope everything went well with everyone!

Mama ade sakit sikit lately. asik sakit je. hmmm.

neway. aku tableh tido lambat mcm smlm lagi. tgari baru tido kot. pastu bgn time magrib, yeah I missed zhor and Asar. so ape gune aku keje kuat2 cmtu tp lupe diri? Careful Maliza. jgn salah langkah k

dpt support sepenuhnye dr Abah. hope he knows how much it meant for me

I should be sleeping right now. tapi taleh. argh. demmit.

benci bile hari2 prasaan mcm ni dtg balik. sbb ni tande2 kegagalan ok!

tetibe terase bsalah. er tp nape aku kene rase cmni? I have all the rights to be angry and furious and histerical!! so im just being normal okay.

hari kedue di rumah, and nothing happen. cume aku makan nasik. which so not part of the to do lists!!

so aku dah pk masak2.

aku harap sgt org tu paham. no hopes left okay? NONE. ZERO. ur just getting ur self hurt. so baik leave before anything because I have absolutely nothing to offer. seriously.

aku ade terpk jugak. lame dah die x msg aku. same ade die da move on or something happened. aku tataw. just tadi aku mcm terngiang2, all those mean things ive said to him. just to make him go away. men.. byk gile kot. I have every rights to be hated jugak. just, pape pun, kalau die ade lagi, aku harap die happy.. sbb die baik. and sbb aku jahat, and sbb aku tanak masuk balik dlm hidup die and ruin everything. its better kalau aku stay away je. lagi x attach, lagi susah nk sakit hati

lets just make friends okay, and try ur best not to buat enemies. lifes too short nk gado2. *even I just did cari pasal ngn org. haha. okay maybe tats different cos that org deserve it. bwek.

okay im very clear and understand, that this decision im making, akan buat org2 yg mungkin masih bharap pade aku, or yg still care, akan pergi. whats left is just me, I know that..

but im willing to take that risk. id rather be alone sbb aku just hanye akan sakitkan hati org. andddd at the same time sakitkan hati aku sindri. theres no room left kt hati aku ni utk sakit lagi okay? kalau tak aku akan sakit jantung sbb darah tsumbat. so if u dun want to see me deadd, just let me live on my own.

wow. aku realize yg aku semakin kejam and tak berhati perut.

ah yg penting, aku happy sbb kbykan bende yg dlm to do things before mati tu, byk jugak da wat

I understand that, some people wont treat you right.. and theres nothing you can do to change their mind, cos basically ape dorang pk pasal ko, is their problem. but what u can do, is MOVE ON, and ntah lah, maybe just focus on ur life and the things u like to do. I know I know. easier said than done kan? but the least u can do is, GIVE IT A TRY

good luck maliza!

okay byk bende dah jadi past few days. and just now aku baru je memaki seseorang *er, bagi aku die bukan org pun. die tade lansong sifat2 manusia. okay.

so aku maki puas2. ckp sume mende aku nk ckp, just sbb aku tkilan x dpt nk ckp depan muke die.

aku da x kesa ape nk jadi, sbb bende paling teruk dah pun jadi. the worst feeling adelah, disalah anggap. maksud kite lain, tp org paham lain..

lain sgt2..

betape die silap sgt2 pasal aku. silap besar. tp tu bukan alasan utk bitch tu amek kesempatan ats situasi ni or ape2 situasi pun.

so mcm yg aku maksudkan, aku mmg maksud kan die tu sorang bitch and talam bermuke2.

puas.

sbb die, org yg aku paling sayang, dah salah paham kt aku, and theres nothing I can do about it.

so aku harap sume org happy je, camne die bahagie nk mampus atas sume bende die wat kt aku, aku pun nk happy.

dengan ini, aku da jumpe care aku nk happy.

aku ade rancangan sindri utk mase depan aku, same mcm die ade rancangan utk mase depan mereke yg bahagie tu.

oh ur dead right ini kate2 org dengki.

okay tp ia sekadar mendengki dr jauh, and aku bukan sorang yg pendendam, so that will fade.

aku mungkin takkan mendirikan rumah tangge, mcm yg mama and abah harapkan. sorry ma, abah.

tp aku akan adopt sorang anak angkat, sorang baby yg comel. uh belum decide nk laki ke pompan. hmmmmm

tp sbelum tu, aku nk make sure, aku tade utang ngn sape2, lagi2 MARA. aku nk stabil ngn business aku. maybe aku akan ikut jejak someone, yg amik kursus buat kasut kt indon, so aku bleh buat my own custom made punye kasut. nk buat baju mcm tlampau susah. kasut lagi menarik rasenye. ngehngeh. tujuan utame adelah buat utk diri sindri so ari2 tuka kasut. MUAHAHAHAA.

okay, bile dah stabil, aku akan amek sorang baby. hey aku pun org biase yg ade prasaan utk disayangi okey. so kasih syg dr mama and abah dah terlebih dr cukup. aku x perlukan seorang lelaki wat mase ni. *WAT MASE NI OKAY.  mane taw tetibe tuka pkiran. ngehngeh

and lepas tu just terus keje, tunaikan janji2 kt mama and abah. ugh. pk pasal study yg x seberape tu buat aku putus ase. mungkin x tercapai dek akal utk dpt 1st class.

yg penting cmne2 pun. duit adela misi idup aku. make sure abah and mama hidup senang lepas ni.

aku dah drove dr Arau ke KL. dr kul 10 mlm okay. smpai kl dlm kul 730AM. sesat2 smpai ke thailand. phew. Alhamdulillah, time kasih Allah sbb kami slmt smpai. mcm2 aku jumpe dlm pjalanan, tp biar jadi pengalaman aku sindri je.

lepas da smpai rumah baru terase bhayenye aku buat mcm tu. tp… sumpah, aku tak terpk lansung kepayahan or pape masalah sbb aku just tanak susahkan abah dtg amek aku. bile da bawak sindri. aku bleh rase cmne abah penat amek and anta aku and aku just nk jadi sorang yg mampu utk buat sume bende sindri tanpe harapkan sape2. aku mungkin akan selalu jatuh. but that’s okay. aku just nk biasekan diri utk bgn sindri. tak sume akan stay besides you.

aku just nk susahkan dorang LESS.

aku mungkin bukan sorang manusia yg baik, not even a good citizen. probably not even a good friend…

but yg penting I wanna be better. not for anyone though. I wanna be better for me.

org yg rase sunyi, hanyelah org yg nak merase sunyi tu.

so prasaan yg x bape nk perlu mungkin boleh buang jauh2. sbb aku takkan menangis kalau aku tanak menangis. its all about what you tell your brain to do.

so don’t maliza! ur way too awesome utk menangis or buat bende2 mcm ko tgh buat ni. zzzz

okay tape since aku mcm da lame sgt focus kt busines, once a while nk focus kt diri sindri gak.

aku tak rase pjalanan aku still jauh, sbb aku selalu rase mati tu dekat. tataw la tu tande ape, tp rasenye a good sign kot sbb aku akan beringat kt mati.

aku tanak sesat.

aritu, aku complain pasal sorang cashier ni. atas layanan die yg sgt suck tu telah memakse aku file a complaint. kasik ajar skit. tu pun blum tentu org atas die btul2 buat tindakan. zzzz byk mase terbuang kt situ, tp aku pcaye kalau complaint aku di amik kire, service dorang akan jadi lagiiii bagusss gileee.

aku kene percaye, yg x sume ditakdirkan utk jadi. tp takdir mcm mati tu caye la. im just saying, aku x caye aku akan hidup all gloomy mcm ni.

theres so much things to do!! seriously.

baik aku angkat buntut, and join all the larian amal tu. boleh gak kurus2kan badan. kad derme organ dah smpai dengan slmt, aku x bharapan purse aku akan hilang lagi. not a chance.

lepas sbulan aku x mkn nasik, smlm aku tpakse makan nasik lemak sbb lapa sgt. luoe pesan kt abah to get me anything BUT rice.

so aku akan start dgn diet juice.  diet juice forever. maybe kadang2 leh makan roti and all those gandum thingy. tp slagi berat aku tak smpai 48kg!!! juice okay!! –nasib baik tertengok diet kimora tadi. ngehngeh. leh turun berat jugak la dlm 2 minggu. so kite tgk ape jadi nanti. dah suruh abah beli all the barang2. tp nk skip coffee mungkin akan jadi masalah besa gile bg aku. zzzz

aku determine nk jadi org yg lebih baik. but in order to do so, I really really need to talk myself thru this. dah la tgh period sume hormon lintang pukang. cpt emosi and terase. hm.

you are a lot stronger than this maliza. mungkin org akan judge ko kejam or busuk hati, but to hell with them, they don’t live in your shoes. jgn biarkan kejam ko kt org yg berhak tu sie2 je k!

okay!!!

so lepas ni, aku mungkin akan jadi YES WOMAN. I will say yes to almost everything, and see kemane that will bring me

I just gotta hold to that positivity.

hi, its 450AM. and aku terjage. from a reallyyyyyyyyyy weird dream. what a dream!!

em so we bebuke with er.as usual Macaroni. dem spicey, and cendol pulut buah! yea. they got few buah mcm nenas, laici inside the cendol. and some nata de coco. which is kinda nice. kenyang mkn cendol je! tp pastu aku mkn gak makaroni. hehe.

haih. duk sini, asik byk parut je tataw ape gigit tp doe jado bengkak merah. err more like lovebites really. but its really gatal and sakit. hmm.

and Abah sent this right after Magrib

lol. makaroni soup. err not realy MY favourite. but I guess right now, pape pun aku rindu gak masakan mama. wuuu.

I cant wait to get back. SO excited! OH OH. harini dpt Test2. hehe. guess what? All 5 of us, Me,Tia,Bella,Allie and Mira got fullmark!

oh man. rase mcm nk makan makaroni je..

ok bye nk gi mkn.

woke up around 130PM. gosh. resulted from tido yg teramat lambat semalam. er. lepas subuh precisely. just determined that I wanna be a more responsible creature. well aint just to everyone around me.. but to myself too. I wanna be more responsible on all of my actions. and attitudes. hmm

so aku tetap pegi klas arini even Allah knows how much I do not want to wake up. tp nasib la tgari tu panas kan. lantai pun panas. tilam pun panas. last2 taleh tido da pun even I tried. zzz. Got 2 MMSs from Abah. ngehehehehe.

the most handsome guy!

and im not sure whats his name. tp janji kepale die bulat, I don’t really care. gosh arent this creature just the cutest thang?!!

so anyway, lepas klas gi teman Tia basuh kete die yg da mcm 3taun x basuh tu. *aku x kate cmtu, die yg rase cmtu*. so kalau banding ngn kete aku, nampak mcm aku x pnah basuh since beli thank you. but I don’t really mind pon.  so pegi laa dekat2 arau tu. ade la dlm sejam gak tunggu. pastu tetibe tgh2 tunggu, betul2 depan kedai tu police wat roadblock. and baru tia ckp, die tade lesen slame die drive ni. aku gelak2 je la, x bape risau sbb aku ade lesen so rilek la. BUT TETIBE, aku teringat, yg arini aku x bawak purse. sbbnye just right before that lalu kedai jual cendol pulut and tetibe mcm teringin gile. ade ngn cendol buah skali which aku x pnah try and mase lalu tu terliur gile and mcm da nekad nk beli for bebuke. tp nk gi kedai tu kene lalu roadblock tu since due2 mcm tade lesen, ktorang agak cuak. but luckily ade jalan lagi satu utk balik. so problem solved. okay aku takkan lupe bawak purse lagi. igtkan pompan tu bawak lesen! haha. lupe lak since tragedi rumah kene pecah masuk and purse kitorang kene curi, die x renew2 lagi. ngehngeh. pasal lesen aku xyah risau smpai 3 taun akan dtg k. rilek je lesen aku lame lagi nk expired.

ouh I gotta rase the cendol pulut before balik! generally my afternoon went just okay. Mama call around 9PM and we talked for 16minutes. Alhamdulillah mama da baik demam. Abah pun okay je I guess.rinduuuu~ but still tade pape feedback pasal niat aku nk derma organ tu. haha. so keputusan tergantung cmtu je. aku harapkan they would just give the decision thru sms ke ape sbb id rather not discuss this issue with them in person.

and ntah ape cite tetibe sorang budak ni call aku. tanye klas kul bape. which is rather freaky weird sbb minggu ni da last class kot and the venue and time NEVER change. so ape cite lak tanye sal time. pelik! and he never talk to me dlm class, we never really talk on the phone or msg skalipun, and he didn’t even add me on facebook even die taw profile aku yg mane cos he used to call me Marleey bile dlm class anyway. dpt taw from  a friend  it was his birthday harini. so patut la die call.! free! tp mcm la tade org lain. zzzz so aku msg die like couple of hours after that wishing his birthday and that’s it. I also found out from a friend that, die ni mcm terdesak nk cari girlfriend, and even aku mcm *er, why u telling me this*, aku anggukkan aje cos I don’t really care pasal die. zzz. I hardly know him okk.

kt sini cuci kete liuar dlm RM10 je. kt kl? tak dpttt.

ah. and Ive learn how to make a fishtail braid! and have made it perfeectly pretty. but not on me la.

I made this.

I had 4 telor harini. which is crazy. besok definitely no telur ok. bukan besok je. for ths whole week! ok bye. nyte

learn it from her tutorial. just google FISHTAIL BRAID. ;P

Alhamdulillah. hujan je 2 harini ni. which is great sbb kalau tak ujan, panasnye la haii. tikar buluh dalam blik tpakse buang sbb bawah die ade kulat. which aku x sure mane dtg air tu first place. ade kulat and ade semut. yekk. da la bau tikar tu busuk

and and, bangun tadi, terliur je terpk kan pasal ayam. da lame x mkn ayam.. so dgn tekad dan penuh harapan walaupun tunggu si tiarun tu nk siap haih! sejam jugak la. bgn kul 2, kul 3 camtu baru kua umah. kt sini mmg da taw la kalau kul 3 tu susah nk cari makanan lauk siang2 tu sbb salu sume abes da..gi cocok duit jap. pastu singgah SriWang, beli telo (byk sgt da mkn telo ni), pastu beli bawang and cili kering. sbb makaroni aritu x abes lagi. singgah kt gerai kecik tepi jalan on the way balik umah sewe. aku beli 2 ketul ayam, RM4. amek ko. tp x kesah la. mcm x saba nk lahap ayam tu time tu gak. haha. balik uma siap sempat gi rebus cili kering sume, tumbuk2 bawang and cili tu, (sume manual k!), perut da bunyi2 sbb da nk kul 5 tp x mkn2 agi. baik aku pose weh!

anyway, siap la akhirnye makaroni. makan ngn ayam kari and ayam masak cili api aku beli tadi. tp aku abeskan ayam kari je la. mlm baru mkn ayam lagi sketul tu. lapa nye pasal. x cukup ayam, mentang2 beli spapan telo tadi, terus goreng telo. so lauk aku agak mewah arini. makan ngn lajunye, tp sadly sungguh pedas.

tp kene abeskan gak. so sambil2 makan, tetibe teringat Mama. since the last text ngn Abah pasal nk donate organ, Abah kate nt nk call, tp tak call2 pung. so aku call Mama. tp line x clear. teruk betul line sini. putus2 je. pastu msg2, mama tanye la, ade duit tak, mcm da lame je tak mintak. hihihii. aku pun rase cmtu, nampaknye mmg jimat gile kot. sehari mkn skali je. puase la so tade la rase rugi sgt kan. even ade sikit je, rm30 je dlm bank. tp cukup la tu kot. aku takkan withdraw da. great plan, minggu depan baru suh mama bank in, mase nk balik tu. hehehehe.

x saba! rindu rendang. nt aku nk blaja wat rendang.  byk mende nk wat balik kang. hopefully tak lupe buat snarai. aku nk buang sume barang2 lame. adiah2, kenangan2 yg bagi sakit tu. eerr. tp nt aku nyesal tak agak2? hmm. tp dah niat aku mmg nk buang terus sume tu dr idup ak. kene buang la kot… cos theres nothing left. not even sikittttt skelumit syg. on behalf of him la. hmmm

pastu nk setel ZheMarleey cpt2. and back on business scpt yg bleh!yeah!! aku minat masak. maybe aku leh blaja mase cuti ni. pastu mane la taw kan kan, melebar sayap wat cake plak ke. pergh.

ok angan2 sume tu. diam x diam, minggu depan je dah nk final da. rase mcm kejap sgt plak. hahaha. siyes. aku mcm lost track of time. taw2 je da 12 june. wow. gile ah. test will be on the 20th. tp tak bgtaw mama lagi, sbb nk wat seprais balik

hopefully everything went well. Amin..

Done! aku ngn Tia (my housemate) tak study lansung the whole nite. just facebook, movie, download lagu, and facebook lagi. seriously. terlampau bersukerie. Now die dah tido, baru leh update blog. teehee. its Day 4 of heart-aching, and Im still surviving. Alhamdulillah. So the test went great I think. we actually held the test at the library. OPEN LIBRARY my lecturer called it. haha. thank god boleh bincang sume. so rasenye sume soklan dpt jawab kot. kalau aku salah, sume yg tiru aku salah gak. haha.

harini tak puase. cos its Friday. and aku pk mcm nk rest kejap sbb at least aku dah habiskan puase nazar aku. tinggal 6 hari lagi pose ganti. which maybe aku akan pose arini  

It’s a pretty weird thought. rasenye aku terlampau caught up with those vampire thingy. I kinda like the feeling of hunger. Sbb buat aku rase mcm aku ni vampire. and since aku tableh feed on people, aku tepakse mkn bende lain, err, definitely not blood. more like a synthetic one. haha. KONONNN. so nasik tu mcm blood. and bende lain is mcm sintetik blood. hhahaha. tableh jadi, bleh brangan jadi pun jadiii laaa. I actually feel alott sexier bile lapar. maybe sbb konon2 terase kurus time tu kot. hahaha. tataw berat da turun ke tak. rasenye tak, sbb aku still mkn mlm.susa nk quitt. balik nanti lagi la. tp aku nekad. aku nk live healthy, I wanna feel pretty and sihat okay. I want my confidence back. most importantly, my happy life back.

Its been raining almost everyday now. best! cume aku tade slimut.. slimut aku balut skali ngn toto sbb my toto is too nipis… slame ni kan panas, so bile die ujan mcm time pagi2. aku akan tbgn sbb sejuk sgt.

Im still trying to fix things with some people. aku tanak cari dorang, or in my other word, kacau dorang. if anything, they’ll know where to find me. aku tanak came out of the blue uninvited bak kate Adele.

cuti 2 bulan nanti, aku rase mcm tak saba sgt. sbb aku nk try to realllllyyyy make sure this time, aku takkan spend dgn sia2. hahaha. nampak sgt niat murni tu tak pernah direalisasikan. zzz. nk visit rumah baru tu. x saba nk pindah! live a new life. I know. it felt macam, dah lambat sgt2. tp ntah la..maybe ade kot nanti dat someone yg dtg n dpt bukak hati bla3242. who noes. and most importantly. who cares

almost 4AM. I should be off to bed. so later

baru abis kelas! tpakse gi kelas petang sbb pagi tadi x terbangun. tido mati suda. rupe2nye bgn2 tgari tu tgk kt luar jalan sume basah. oo. so smlm ujan. patutla tido sejuk je!

Adele–Someone Like You

I heard
That you're settled down
That you
Found a girl
And you're
Married now
I heard
That your dreams came true.
Guess she gave you things
I didn't give to you
Old friend
Why are you so shy?
Ain't like you to hold back
Or hide from the light
I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded
That for me it isn't over
Never mind
I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
"Don't forget me," I begged
"I'll remember," you said
"Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead."
Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead,
Yeah.
You know how the time flies
Only yesterday
It was the time of our lives
We were born and raised
In a summer haze
Bound by the surprise
Of our glory days
I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded
That for me it isn't over.
Never mind
I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
"Don't forget me," I begged
"I'll remember," you said
"Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead."
Nothing compares
No worries or cares
Regrets and mistakes
They are memories made.
Who would have known
How bittersweet this would taste?
Never mind
I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
"Don't forget me," I begged
"I'll remember," you said
"Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead"

suits everything perfectly.

trying to take a nap. tbangun balik cos dpt call from a friend. haih. tapelah, maybe aku bukan ditakdirkan utk tido. hehe. tgh basuh baju anyway. plus bgn2 tgk da 6.30PM. like, WOAH, cpt gile! mcm baru tadi tgk jam kul 530PM!

clueless nk berbuke pe arini. ade roti, telo and cucur bilis! tadi singgah stall tepi jalan jual CoconutShake. Sedapp sbb air gula die wangi air gula die letak daun pandan. nyummm. so float die rase mcm lagi sedappp. sume air die singgit k. aritu pegi bazar dekat ngn umahh tu, coconut shake die RM2, kecik half dr yg jual kt sini. takla sedap mane pun . aku sedut skali je abes da!!

anyway. sblom smpai kelas tadi, aku text Abah. aku ckp '

‘Slm, abah, tadi Liz baru register organ transplant. Not sure hows the best way to inform Mama and Abah, but family gotta be informed. what do you think?’

Abah replied.

‘Well, you should have discussed before you register.. >.< it’s a new thing which ulama’ is having pros and cons about it, mama may not like it, Abah can accept in protest, but overall it may be okay ‘

Abah always know the right thing to say. Almost shed me into tears. hehe. Abah cakap die bincang ngn mama, nanti die call. bdebar2 ala2 mcm nk gi wat Mock Interview time sem 3. haha

anyway. I have a good feeling about this. tak terpk lagi ape next decision aku kalau Abah and Mama x bagi. tp rasenye, they will support. cos that’s just what they do slame ni. kalau tak, ntah. lets just wait and see.

my hair sgt sgt in kronik condition. gotta go rebond. tp takkan nk mintak duit mama? waaaa. so aku pk, maybe nanti mase cuti kot nk keje. havent decided where. but surely ade je rezeki kt mane2 kan? kalau malas tataw la. atau pun last2 mintak duit mama gak. hehehehe

tapi kene wat kt Perlis sbb murahhhhh. so tade choice, tunggu balik sini nt je kot? untung la yg dpt PT tuuu. tiap2 bulan tuka enponnn.

besok test 2! tp x risau lansung sbb boleh open book. AGAIN. haha. final aku nanti tataw la cmne..manje sgtt ni. assignment sume lecturer suap je markah.

jap gi nk bebuke da. slmt berbuka