JustMarl

Assalamualaikum!

okay. this is gonna be ANOTHER speedy update. beberape hari ni aku sebok cube merealisasikan impian aku. which im not gonna blurt it just yet. not until it actually happens okeng? so sabaa. teehee.

Alhamdulillah. time kasih Abah sbb ‘sponsor’ duit utk aku pegi register ZheMarleey. so yeah. I theoretically have my own company now. haih. just sikit trkilan, dlm byk2 bulan, bulan JUNE jugak tarikh register tu. hmmm

Perasaan aku? mestila lagi smgt giler kot. smpai smlm aku stay up the wholeeee night cari supplier.

This is happening and its gonna happen just the way I wanted it to happened.

InsyaAllah.

hehe. even agak ketare gelojoh aku dlm berbisnes lately. salah ke im being too ambitious? hehe. and aku ade satu lagi project. tp aku tanak cite pasal tu jugak. not until it happened okay? so tunggu. I just hope everything went well with everyone!

Mama ade sakit sikit lately. asik sakit je. hmmm.

neway. aku tableh tido lambat mcm smlm lagi. tgari baru tido kot. pastu bgn time magrib, yeah I missed zhor and Asar. so ape gune aku keje kuat2 cmtu tp lupe diri? Careful Maliza. jgn salah langkah k

dpt support sepenuhnye dr Abah. hope he knows how much it meant for me

I should be sleeping right now. tapi taleh. argh. demmit.

benci bile hari2 prasaan mcm ni dtg balik. sbb ni tande2 kegagalan ok!

tetibe terase bsalah. er tp nape aku kene rase cmni? I have all the rights to be angry and furious and histerical!! so im just being normal okay.

hari kedue di rumah, and nothing happen. cume aku makan nasik. which so not part of the to do lists!!

so aku dah pk masak2.

aku harap sgt org tu paham. no hopes left okay? NONE. ZERO. ur just getting ur self hurt. so baik leave before anything because I have absolutely nothing to offer. seriously.

aku ade terpk jugak. lame dah die x msg aku. same ade die da move on or something happened. aku tataw. just tadi aku mcm terngiang2, all those mean things ive said to him. just to make him go away. men.. byk gile kot. I have every rights to be hated jugak. just, pape pun, kalau die ade lagi, aku harap die happy.. sbb die baik. and sbb aku jahat, and sbb aku tanak masuk balik dlm hidup die and ruin everything. its better kalau aku stay away je. lagi x attach, lagi susah nk sakit hati

lets just make friends okay, and try ur best not to buat enemies. lifes too short nk gado2. *even I just did cari pasal ngn org. haha. okay maybe tats different cos that org deserve it. bwek.

okay im very clear and understand, that this decision im making, akan buat org2 yg mungkin masih bharap pade aku, or yg still care, akan pergi. whats left is just me, I know that..

but im willing to take that risk. id rather be alone sbb aku just hanye akan sakitkan hati org. andddd at the same time sakitkan hati aku sindri. theres no room left kt hati aku ni utk sakit lagi okay? kalau tak aku akan sakit jantung sbb darah tsumbat. so if u dun want to see me deadd, just let me live on my own.

wow. aku realize yg aku semakin kejam and tak berhati perut.

ah yg penting, aku happy sbb kbykan bende yg dlm to do things before mati tu, byk jugak da wat

I understand that, some people wont treat you right.. and theres nothing you can do to change their mind, cos basically ape dorang pk pasal ko, is their problem. but what u can do, is MOVE ON, and ntah lah, maybe just focus on ur life and the things u like to do. I know I know. easier said than done kan? but the least u can do is, GIVE IT A TRY

good luck maliza!

okay byk bende dah jadi past few days. and just now aku baru je memaki seseorang *er, bagi aku die bukan org pun. die tade lansong sifat2 manusia. okay.

so aku maki puas2. ckp sume mende aku nk ckp, just sbb aku tkilan x dpt nk ckp depan muke die.

aku da x kesa ape nk jadi, sbb bende paling teruk dah pun jadi. the worst feeling adelah, disalah anggap. maksud kite lain, tp org paham lain..

lain sgt2..

betape die silap sgt2 pasal aku. silap besar. tp tu bukan alasan utk bitch tu amek kesempatan ats situasi ni or ape2 situasi pun.

so mcm yg aku maksudkan, aku mmg maksud kan die tu sorang bitch and talam bermuke2.

puas.

sbb die, org yg aku paling sayang, dah salah paham kt aku, and theres nothing I can do about it.

so aku harap sume org happy je, camne die bahagie nk mampus atas sume bende die wat kt aku, aku pun nk happy.

dengan ini, aku da jumpe care aku nk happy.

aku ade rancangan sindri utk mase depan aku, same mcm die ade rancangan utk mase depan mereke yg bahagie tu.

oh ur dead right ini kate2 org dengki.

okay tp ia sekadar mendengki dr jauh, and aku bukan sorang yg pendendam, so that will fade.

aku mungkin takkan mendirikan rumah tangge, mcm yg mama and abah harapkan. sorry ma, abah.

tp aku akan adopt sorang anak angkat, sorang baby yg comel. uh belum decide nk laki ke pompan. hmmmmm

tp sbelum tu, aku nk make sure, aku tade utang ngn sape2, lagi2 MARA. aku nk stabil ngn business aku. maybe aku akan ikut jejak someone, yg amik kursus buat kasut kt indon, so aku bleh buat my own custom made punye kasut. nk buat baju mcm tlampau susah. kasut lagi menarik rasenye. ngehngeh. tujuan utame adelah buat utk diri sindri so ari2 tuka kasut. MUAHAHAHAA.

okay, bile dah stabil, aku akan amek sorang baby. hey aku pun org biase yg ade prasaan utk disayangi okey. so kasih syg dr mama and abah dah terlebih dr cukup. aku x perlukan seorang lelaki wat mase ni. *WAT MASE NI OKAY.  mane taw tetibe tuka pkiran. ngehngeh

and lepas tu just terus keje, tunaikan janji2 kt mama and abah. ugh. pk pasal study yg x seberape tu buat aku putus ase. mungkin x tercapai dek akal utk dpt 1st class.

yg penting cmne2 pun. duit adela misi idup aku. make sure abah and mama hidup senang lepas ni.

aku dah drove dr Arau ke KL. dr kul 10 mlm okay. smpai kl dlm kul 730AM. sesat2 smpai ke thailand. phew. Alhamdulillah, time kasih Allah sbb kami slmt smpai. mcm2 aku jumpe dlm pjalanan, tp biar jadi pengalaman aku sindri je.

lepas da smpai rumah baru terase bhayenye aku buat mcm tu. tp… sumpah, aku tak terpk lansung kepayahan or pape masalah sbb aku just tanak susahkan abah dtg amek aku. bile da bawak sindri. aku bleh rase cmne abah penat amek and anta aku and aku just nk jadi sorang yg mampu utk buat sume bende sindri tanpe harapkan sape2. aku mungkin akan selalu jatuh. but that’s okay. aku just nk biasekan diri utk bgn sindri. tak sume akan stay besides you.

aku just nk susahkan dorang LESS.

aku mungkin bukan sorang manusia yg baik, not even a good citizen. probably not even a good friend…

but yg penting I wanna be better. not for anyone though. I wanna be better for me.

org yg rase sunyi, hanyelah org yg nak merase sunyi tu.

so prasaan yg x bape nk perlu mungkin boleh buang jauh2. sbb aku takkan menangis kalau aku tanak menangis. its all about what you tell your brain to do.

so don’t maliza! ur way too awesome utk menangis or buat bende2 mcm ko tgh buat ni. zzzz

okay tape since aku mcm da lame sgt focus kt busines, once a while nk focus kt diri sindri gak.

aku tak rase pjalanan aku still jauh, sbb aku selalu rase mati tu dekat. tataw la tu tande ape, tp rasenye a good sign kot sbb aku akan beringat kt mati.

aku tanak sesat.

aritu, aku complain pasal sorang cashier ni. atas layanan die yg sgt suck tu telah memakse aku file a complaint. kasik ajar skit. tu pun blum tentu org atas die btul2 buat tindakan. zzzz byk mase terbuang kt situ, tp aku pcaye kalau complaint aku di amik kire, service dorang akan jadi lagiiii bagusss gileee.

aku kene percaye, yg x sume ditakdirkan utk jadi. tp takdir mcm mati tu caye la. im just saying, aku x caye aku akan hidup all gloomy mcm ni.

theres so much things to do!! seriously.

baik aku angkat buntut, and join all the larian amal tu. boleh gak kurus2kan badan. kad derme organ dah smpai dengan slmt, aku x bharapan purse aku akan hilang lagi. not a chance.

lepas sbulan aku x mkn nasik, smlm aku tpakse makan nasik lemak sbb lapa sgt. luoe pesan kt abah to get me anything BUT rice.

so aku akan start dgn diet juice.  diet juice forever. maybe kadang2 leh makan roti and all those gandum thingy. tp slagi berat aku tak smpai 48kg!!! juice okay!! –nasib baik tertengok diet kimora tadi. ngehngeh. leh turun berat jugak la dlm 2 minggu. so kite tgk ape jadi nanti. dah suruh abah beli all the barang2. tp nk skip coffee mungkin akan jadi masalah besa gile bg aku. zzzz

aku determine nk jadi org yg lebih baik. but in order to do so, I really really need to talk myself thru this. dah la tgh period sume hormon lintang pukang. cpt emosi and terase. hm.

you are a lot stronger than this maliza. mungkin org akan judge ko kejam or busuk hati, but to hell with them, they don’t live in your shoes. jgn biarkan kejam ko kt org yg berhak tu sie2 je k!

okay!!!

so lepas ni, aku mungkin akan jadi YES WOMAN. I will say yes to almost everything, and see kemane that will bring me

I just gotta hold to that positivity.

hi, its 450AM. and aku terjage. from a reallyyyyyyyyyy weird dream. what a dream!!

em so we bebuke with er.as usual Macaroni. dem spicey, and cendol pulut buah! yea. they got few buah mcm nenas, laici inside the cendol. and some nata de coco. which is kinda nice. kenyang mkn cendol je! tp pastu aku mkn gak makaroni. hehe.

haih. duk sini, asik byk parut je tataw ape gigit tp doe jado bengkak merah. err more like lovebites really. but its really gatal and sakit. hmm.

and Abah sent this right after Magrib

lol. makaroni soup. err not realy MY favourite. but I guess right now, pape pun aku rindu gak masakan mama. wuuu.

I cant wait to get back. SO excited! OH OH. harini dpt Test2. hehe. guess what? All 5 of us, Me,Tia,Bella,Allie and Mira got fullmark!

oh man. rase mcm nk makan makaroni je..

ok bye nk gi mkn.

woke up around 130PM. gosh. resulted from tido yg teramat lambat semalam. er. lepas subuh precisely. just determined that I wanna be a more responsible creature. well aint just to everyone around me.. but to myself too. I wanna be more responsible on all of my actions. and attitudes. hmm

so aku tetap pegi klas arini even Allah knows how much I do not want to wake up. tp nasib la tgari tu panas kan. lantai pun panas. tilam pun panas. last2 taleh tido da pun even I tried. zzz. Got 2 MMSs from Abah. ngehehehehe.

the most handsome guy!

and im not sure whats his name. tp janji kepale die bulat, I don’t really care. gosh arent this creature just the cutest thang?!!

so anyway, lepas klas gi teman Tia basuh kete die yg da mcm 3taun x basuh tu. *aku x kate cmtu, die yg rase cmtu*. so kalau banding ngn kete aku, nampak mcm aku x pnah basuh since beli thank you. but I don’t really mind pon.  so pegi laa dekat2 arau tu. ade la dlm sejam gak tunggu. pastu tetibe tgh2 tunggu, betul2 depan kedai tu police wat roadblock. and baru tia ckp, die tade lesen slame die drive ni. aku gelak2 je la, x bape risau sbb aku ade lesen so rilek la. BUT TETIBE, aku teringat, yg arini aku x bawak purse. sbbnye just right before that lalu kedai jual cendol pulut and tetibe mcm teringin gile. ade ngn cendol buah skali which aku x pnah try and mase lalu tu terliur gile and mcm da nekad nk beli for bebuke. tp nk gi kedai tu kene lalu roadblock tu since due2 mcm tade lesen, ktorang agak cuak. but luckily ade jalan lagi satu utk balik. so problem solved. okay aku takkan lupe bawak purse lagi. igtkan pompan tu bawak lesen! haha. lupe lak since tragedi rumah kene pecah masuk and purse kitorang kene curi, die x renew2 lagi. ngehngeh. pasal lesen aku xyah risau smpai 3 taun akan dtg k. rilek je lesen aku lame lagi nk expired.

ouh I gotta rase the cendol pulut before balik! generally my afternoon went just okay. Mama call around 9PM and we talked for 16minutes. Alhamdulillah mama da baik demam. Abah pun okay je I guess.rinduuuu~ but still tade pape feedback pasal niat aku nk derma organ tu. haha. so keputusan tergantung cmtu je. aku harapkan they would just give the decision thru sms ke ape sbb id rather not discuss this issue with them in person.

and ntah ape cite tetibe sorang budak ni call aku. tanye klas kul bape. which is rather freaky weird sbb minggu ni da last class kot and the venue and time NEVER change. so ape cite lak tanye sal time. pelik! and he never talk to me dlm class, we never really talk on the phone or msg skalipun, and he didn’t even add me on facebook even die taw profile aku yg mane cos he used to call me Marleey bile dlm class anyway. dpt taw from  a friend  it was his birthday harini. so patut la die call.! free! tp mcm la tade org lain. zzzz so aku msg die like couple of hours after that wishing his birthday and that’s it. I also found out from a friend that, die ni mcm terdesak nk cari girlfriend, and even aku mcm *er, why u telling me this*, aku anggukkan aje cos I don’t really care pasal die. zzz. I hardly know him okk.

kt sini cuci kete liuar dlm RM10 je. kt kl? tak dpttt.

ah. and Ive learn how to make a fishtail braid! and have made it perfeectly pretty. but not on me la.

I made this.

I had 4 telor harini. which is crazy. besok definitely no telur ok. bukan besok je. for ths whole week! ok bye. nyte

learn it from her tutorial. just google FISHTAIL BRAID. ;P

Alhamdulillah. hujan je 2 harini ni. which is great sbb kalau tak ujan, panasnye la haii. tikar buluh dalam blik tpakse buang sbb bawah die ade kulat. which aku x sure mane dtg air tu first place. ade kulat and ade semut. yekk. da la bau tikar tu busuk

and and, bangun tadi, terliur je terpk kan pasal ayam. da lame x mkn ayam.. so dgn tekad dan penuh harapan walaupun tunggu si tiarun tu nk siap haih! sejam jugak la. bgn kul 2, kul 3 camtu baru kua umah. kt sini mmg da taw la kalau kul 3 tu susah nk cari makanan lauk siang2 tu sbb salu sume abes da..gi cocok duit jap. pastu singgah SriWang, beli telo (byk sgt da mkn telo ni), pastu beli bawang and cili kering. sbb makaroni aritu x abes lagi. singgah kt gerai kecik tepi jalan on the way balik umah sewe. aku beli 2 ketul ayam, RM4. amek ko. tp x kesah la. mcm x saba nk lahap ayam tu time tu gak. haha. balik uma siap sempat gi rebus cili kering sume, tumbuk2 bawang and cili tu, (sume manual k!), perut da bunyi2 sbb da nk kul 5 tp x mkn2 agi. baik aku pose weh!

anyway, siap la akhirnye makaroni. makan ngn ayam kari and ayam masak cili api aku beli tadi. tp aku abeskan ayam kari je la. mlm baru mkn ayam lagi sketul tu. lapa nye pasal. x cukup ayam, mentang2 beli spapan telo tadi, terus goreng telo. so lauk aku agak mewah arini. makan ngn lajunye, tp sadly sungguh pedas.

tp kene abeskan gak. so sambil2 makan, tetibe teringat Mama. since the last text ngn Abah pasal nk donate organ, Abah kate nt nk call, tp tak call2 pung. so aku call Mama. tp line x clear. teruk betul line sini. putus2 je. pastu msg2, mama tanye la, ade duit tak, mcm da lame je tak mintak. hihihii. aku pun rase cmtu, nampaknye mmg jimat gile kot. sehari mkn skali je. puase la so tade la rase rugi sgt kan. even ade sikit je, rm30 je dlm bank. tp cukup la tu kot. aku takkan withdraw da. great plan, minggu depan baru suh mama bank in, mase nk balik tu. hehehehe.

x saba! rindu rendang. nt aku nk blaja wat rendang.  byk mende nk wat balik kang. hopefully tak lupe buat snarai. aku nk buang sume barang2 lame. adiah2, kenangan2 yg bagi sakit tu. eerr. tp nt aku nyesal tak agak2? hmm. tp dah niat aku mmg nk buang terus sume tu dr idup ak. kene buang la kot… cos theres nothing left. not even sikittttt skelumit syg. on behalf of him la. hmmm

pastu nk setel ZheMarleey cpt2. and back on business scpt yg bleh!yeah!! aku minat masak. maybe aku leh blaja mase cuti ni. pastu mane la taw kan kan, melebar sayap wat cake plak ke. pergh.

ok angan2 sume tu. diam x diam, minggu depan je dah nk final da. rase mcm kejap sgt plak. hahaha. siyes. aku mcm lost track of time. taw2 je da 12 june. wow. gile ah. test will be on the 20th. tp tak bgtaw mama lagi, sbb nk wat seprais balik

hopefully everything went well. Amin..

Done! aku ngn Tia (my housemate) tak study lansung the whole nite. just facebook, movie, download lagu, and facebook lagi. seriously. terlampau bersukerie. Now die dah tido, baru leh update blog. teehee. its Day 4 of heart-aching, and Im still surviving. Alhamdulillah. So the test went great I think. we actually held the test at the library. OPEN LIBRARY my lecturer called it. haha. thank god boleh bincang sume. so rasenye sume soklan dpt jawab kot. kalau aku salah, sume yg tiru aku salah gak. haha.

harini tak puase. cos its Friday. and aku pk mcm nk rest kejap sbb at least aku dah habiskan puase nazar aku. tinggal 6 hari lagi pose ganti. which maybe aku akan pose arini  

It’s a pretty weird thought. rasenye aku terlampau caught up with those vampire thingy. I kinda like the feeling of hunger. Sbb buat aku rase mcm aku ni vampire. and since aku tableh feed on people, aku tepakse mkn bende lain, err, definitely not blood. more like a synthetic one. haha. KONONNN. so nasik tu mcm blood. and bende lain is mcm sintetik blood. hhahaha. tableh jadi, bleh brangan jadi pun jadiii laaa. I actually feel alott sexier bile lapar. maybe sbb konon2 terase kurus time tu kot. hahaha. tataw berat da turun ke tak. rasenye tak, sbb aku still mkn mlm.susa nk quitt. balik nanti lagi la. tp aku nekad. aku nk live healthy, I wanna feel pretty and sihat okay. I want my confidence back. most importantly, my happy life back.

Its been raining almost everyday now. best! cume aku tade slimut.. slimut aku balut skali ngn toto sbb my toto is too nipis… slame ni kan panas, so bile die ujan mcm time pagi2. aku akan tbgn sbb sejuk sgt.

Im still trying to fix things with some people. aku tanak cari dorang, or in my other word, kacau dorang. if anything, they’ll know where to find me. aku tanak came out of the blue uninvited bak kate Adele.

cuti 2 bulan nanti, aku rase mcm tak saba sgt. sbb aku nk try to realllllyyyy make sure this time, aku takkan spend dgn sia2. hahaha. nampak sgt niat murni tu tak pernah direalisasikan. zzz. nk visit rumah baru tu. x saba nk pindah! live a new life. I know. it felt macam, dah lambat sgt2. tp ntah la..maybe ade kot nanti dat someone yg dtg n dpt bukak hati bla3242. who noes. and most importantly. who cares

almost 4AM. I should be off to bed. so later

baru abis kelas! tpakse gi kelas petang sbb pagi tadi x terbangun. tido mati suda. rupe2nye bgn2 tgari tu tgk kt luar jalan sume basah. oo. so smlm ujan. patutla tido sejuk je!

Adele–Someone Like You

I heard
That you're settled down
That you
Found a girl
And you're
Married now
I heard
That your dreams came true.
Guess she gave you things
I didn't give to you
Old friend
Why are you so shy?
Ain't like you to hold back
Or hide from the light
I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded
That for me it isn't over
Never mind
I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
"Don't forget me," I begged
"I'll remember," you said
"Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead."
Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead,
Yeah.
You know how the time flies
Only yesterday
It was the time of our lives
We were born and raised
In a summer haze
Bound by the surprise
Of our glory days
I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded
That for me it isn't over.
Never mind
I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
"Don't forget me," I begged
"I'll remember," you said
"Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead."
Nothing compares
No worries or cares
Regrets and mistakes
They are memories made.
Who would have known
How bittersweet this would taste?
Never mind
I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
"Don't forget me," I begged
"I'll remember," you said
"Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead"

suits everything perfectly.

trying to take a nap. tbangun balik cos dpt call from a friend. haih. tapelah, maybe aku bukan ditakdirkan utk tido. hehe. tgh basuh baju anyway. plus bgn2 tgk da 6.30PM. like, WOAH, cpt gile! mcm baru tadi tgk jam kul 530PM!

clueless nk berbuke pe arini. ade roti, telo and cucur bilis! tadi singgah stall tepi jalan jual CoconutShake. Sedapp sbb air gula die wangi air gula die letak daun pandan. nyummm. so float die rase mcm lagi sedappp. sume air die singgit k. aritu pegi bazar dekat ngn umahh tu, coconut shake die RM2, kecik half dr yg jual kt sini. takla sedap mane pun . aku sedut skali je abes da!!

anyway. sblom smpai kelas tadi, aku text Abah. aku ckp '

‘Slm, abah, tadi Liz baru register organ transplant. Not sure hows the best way to inform Mama and Abah, but family gotta be informed. what do you think?’

Abah replied.

‘Well, you should have discussed before you register.. >.< it’s a new thing which ulama’ is having pros and cons about it, mama may not like it, Abah can accept in protest, but overall it may be okay ‘

Abah always know the right thing to say. Almost shed me into tears. hehe. Abah cakap die bincang ngn mama, nanti die call. bdebar2 ala2 mcm nk gi wat Mock Interview time sem 3. haha

anyway. I have a good feeling about this. tak terpk lagi ape next decision aku kalau Abah and Mama x bagi. tp rasenye, they will support. cos that’s just what they do slame ni. kalau tak, ntah. lets just wait and see.

my hair sgt sgt in kronik condition. gotta go rebond. tp takkan nk mintak duit mama? waaaa. so aku pk, maybe nanti mase cuti kot nk keje. havent decided where. but surely ade je rezeki kt mane2 kan? kalau malas tataw la. atau pun last2 mintak duit mama gak. hehehehe

tapi kene wat kt Perlis sbb murahhhhh. so tade choice, tunggu balik sini nt je kot? untung la yg dpt PT tuuu. tiap2 bulan tuka enponnn.

besok test 2! tp x risau lansung sbb boleh open book. AGAIN. haha. final aku nanti tataw la cmne..manje sgtt ni. assignment sume lecturer suap je markah.

jap gi nk bebuke da. slmt berbuka

So ive pledged! yay! this is something ive been wanting to do. like since sekolah lagi. cume sbb terdengar2 pasal Islam tak bagi cos merosakkan jasad yg meninggal buat aku mcm serbe salah, walaupun hati aku mcm kuat ckp, its for a good cause, mesti boleh. and lepas bace2 tadi. jgn risau. islam benarkan kite menderma organ as long bukan utk populariti, duit, bla3242. hanye ikhlas kerana Allah SWT.

Apa kata Islam tentang pendermaan organ??

boleh click the higlighted sentence utk more info

hope it helps.

tinggal nk inform my parent about this. I hope they will understand and support.

thanks to my deary old bestie, Afiqah Zahidi sbb die post link on National Transplant Resource Centre. sbb dulu mase nk sgt2, aku tataw where to start and who to ask.

asalnye mcm confuse and x sure nk tick yg mane. kulit x cantik pun. segan plak nk bagi. tp I guess kot2 ade kt tempat2 lain yg maybe boleh digunekan. so ntah. the doc knows best. so I ticked all.

Im not really a good person.. jauh skali brgune dlm hidup ni. this is the least I could do I hope.

so, yeah. Join me, be a pledger and save a life

harini, Day 3. ganti puasa nazar dah abes. Alhamdulillah. tinggal puasa ganti. weehuu!!

Zami ckp magic, sbb die mmg slame ni harapkan aku brubah. dulu aku teruk. haha. so bile terjumpe balik kt facebook, die kate die terkejut. tp hes glad.

hes a good friend jugak.

tetibe aku rase mcm, aku sbenarnye ade ramai kawan yg baik.

tapi aku tak nampak sblum ni. so aku message Naguto. told her how she has been a great friend of mine. tade la, sbb mcm da lame x msg die. so suddenly teringat. aku just mcm, nk let her know. that I love her, and that shes a good friend.

Eka pelik ngn aku sbb prangai aku ni. haha. aku mmg salu pelik ok eka. xyah wat tekejut sgtt.

aku still rase sedih..sedih sgt.. die salah paham pasal aku. the last memory that he had of me, was aku ni sorang yg sgt jht, kejam and tade prasaan…and… CURANG??! seriously? aku org mcm tu ke.. he sounds so convincing.. buat aku feel so bad. even asalnye aku lansung x rase aku buat sume yg die ckp tu. he just.. had it all wrong.

do u have any idea how that made me feel bout myself??

I actually start believing every single words that came out from him. just because his opinions were important. at least to me it is..

I should have more control over my life. you know, being able to use the brain and do the right things. not the things yg aku teringin buat without considering the consequences..

salah satu mende aku nk ubah skang.. is.. being a better friend. aku nk jumpe sume yg sudi jumpe aku, nk visit old friendss, macam keep in touch sume.

paling penting. kene attend sume wedding org!

if only cries can make me feel better..

can I talk to someone??

No I couldn’t.. everyones too busy living their own miserable life. or busy spreading the happiness. takkan aku nk tibe2 dtg out of nowhere??

I can only talk to Him..

if only I could get some sort of advice.. or guidance on how to keep living..

I really don’t want to be that person who messes with people’s life. come on. look at me. Im not even capable of doing so.

but.. why does everything keep falling apart whenever I try to fix things?

I badly need the guiding light..

sometimes aku rase, aku ni tak bgune utk sape2 pun.. I mean, aku x mampu nk happykan sape2 pun? tak mampu nk jadi kawan yg baik gak.. x mampu nk tlg org.. aku x mampu buat pape pun..im not even a good person. jauh skali la a good citizen..

living doesn’t have to be so difficult I know..

haih… I just feel so miserable now.. I couldn’t do anything right..

bukan tanak share.. I tink.. better I keep this to myself.. lets not open up to just anyone, just because die open up to me. Im gonna live with my own secrets. well, sape2 yg bace blog aku and kenal aku maybe taw. but its okay la. its not like I can expect them to understand..

im just, picking up all that falling pieces. slow and steady je k.

I WILL get my life back.

the trick is, to keep practicing that fake smiles, one day youll be so good at faking it that u will actually believed it.

its okay Maliza. ur alone, but Allah stays with you always. just gotta hold that faith kuat2.

besok klas bawak ke tghari sbb lecturer ade hal pagi2. nasib baik assignment sume dah siap, so I don’t have to worry. perut bunyi2. tp.. aku tade lansong rase nk makan.. tadi rase pening yg pelik.. aku rase sbb aku dahage nk air sejuk. so buat 2 cawan iced nescafe mase perut kosong. and makan pun sikit je. haha. tia kate aku nmpk kurus dah! okay pujian palsu itu agak memberi smgt. so aku accept. senang rupenye simpan duit. lagi senang mase tgh heartbroken. mase heartbroken gak baru terase susahnye hati and hidup ni, that at last, u know you don’t have any idea who to turn to, and mase tu lah sedar utk pergi jumpe Dia. smuenye time susah.

mase senang.. haih..

aku asek lupe prasaan malu thadap diri sndri ni. sbb dah brape lame aku jadi hambe yg x mengenang budi and ignorant, ego and sombong. bile lupe malu la, akan jadi lalai..

aku dah dpt bukti, yg ape kite cakap tu sume satu doa.. lagi2 bile time ckp tu, dtg dr hati yg ikhlas dan bsungguh2. tak kesah la bende baik ke bende x baik ke.. sbb due2 bende aku mintak tu, aku dah dpt. yg baik ngn yg x baik. yg x baik tu mintak kt org lain tp dpt kt diri sindri. haha. so padan muke aku.

so. hidup lah dgn prinsip, if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all. ape lagi?? silent is the best weapon. bile dah pk balik.. aku rase.. sgt btul.. kalau la aku teruskan je bdiam diri. mungkin sume xyah jadi seteruk ni. ok ok. enaf with the regret. jgn menyesal maliza. this is the consequences dr sume yg ko sindri plih utk buat. ok. so I will live with the pain. okay.

I can do this

he said, kalau ade jodoh, ade la. die serik dgn aku.

I am THAT bad huh?

maybe..aku rase hikmahnye, kalau die x buat mcm ni, aku takkan sedar. time kasih kepade die. sbb die sedarkan aku utk menghargai org. walaupun impression trakhir die kt aku, sume yg jahat2 and buruk2 sume.. aku dah tade pluang nk ubah sume tu. so.. just try utk live better. be better. its okayy. aku akan buktikan kt org lain je. sbb tak dpt nk buktikan kt die dah yg betape salahnye die pasal aku.

terkilan skit. tp, its okay. dr aku terus idup dgn ego sgunung, and sombong tu. this officially changes every single thing about me.

its day 2 of puasa ganti. hari kedue jugak hati aku kene lenyek2.

adekah aku akan jadi lebih kuat kalau berjaye survive lenyekan ni lagi beberape hari?

yes. I can. positive outcomes only

tapi buat mase ni.. aku decide utk biarkan hati aku sakit. just let it go through. aku tanak tahan, aku tanak pure2 kuat. sbb aku x kuat lansung..

tapi..smoge … em. I ran out of good wishes. haha.  cant think of any at all >.<

tataw lah smoge ape.

Mama called semalam, dah x demam katennye. tapi batuk ade lagi. Alhamdulillah. terima kasih Allah sbb dengar doa aku.

aku bkn sakit sorang, sbb ade org lagi sakit dr aku. and aku rase maaf x cukup.

aku pun tataw nk watpe. kalau aku ikut je ckp die. maknenye aku lagi kejam. sbb biar die hidup ngn harapan2 palsu tu padahal aku taw aku akan ttp pergi lepas2 tu.

…

slepas mengambil kire ckp Allie.sbenanye sblum die ckp lagi aku da taw nk watpe. cume aku tade kekuatan utk actually do it. because I was lonely myself..

that’s selfish.

aku yg sbbkan masala ni. nape nk drag innocent someone with me?

I just wish I was stronger before everything went this far. this serious.

its okay maliza. u have tried. u know u have. u have begged, ugut? haha. sume bende keji and jijik aku dah buat. still tade kesan. it means I should stop trying and turn around. andd………….

find someone to be blamed!

or. hadapi ketentuan ni.

well. I guess. all this pain. heartaches? sumenye. fated to be this way. okay

now aku sgt pasti. aku akan sambung Master. insyaAllah.

Test 2 on Friday. haih. sgt lah malas nk bace buku. padahal kelas 2 jam je tiap ari. hm.

mama, rindu ikan keli asam pedas mama

rindu sore abah balik umah lepas magrib. penat tp try jugak tunjuk muke happy.

Allah please give me the chances utk jage dorang. bagi aku pluang tu. Amin.

its not easy, nk hadapi sume ni, with Tia around. because I cant let my tears fall. I cant show my sad face.

takkan aku nk nanges dlm blik air tiap masee. pelik lak mandi lame2. kerap lak tu!

bilik tade kipas. aku akan menangis kepanasan. nk nanges pun ade tempat2 tertentu je k.. kene slese!

so.. rasenye aku tade pape utang so far.. aku dah confess kt those I made mistakes at.. Ive done everything I thought could fix things. tinggal tgk aku dimaafkan ke x.. lain2 aku bserah okay.

harini urusan aku dipermudahkan Allah. Dia sntiase mendengar.

Maliza. kalau tanak dilupekan. jgn lupekan Dia jugak k.

kuat skit! positive outcomes only!

ill take risks. ill be back on my 2 feet. cos its not like I lose everything. JUST hati je kannn. dengan soul. tapi I have mama and abah around. their faith and hopes in me. okay.

get it boss!