JustMarl

but doing so would makes me feel like im childish. and fragile. and nothing positive would actually comes out of it.

Alhamdulillah. aku bersyukur utk semua yg aku dpt..

cuti lately, aku byk tgk berite2. kemarau kt Africa.. budak2 kecik tu dah lame sgt tak makan, they cant really makan tibe2 even mase tu ade makanan. because body dorang mcm taleh trime. kene gune tube sume. oh man. but sometimes, kite lupe jugak betape bernasib baiknye kite. salu pening sbb nk pk bebuke nk makan KT MANE. pening sbb byk sgt plihannye. tp kt sane…

emm.

aku taw yg ati aku ni hitam and busuk. aku sedar. aku rase, this is something yg aku kene buat.. utk diri sindri jugak.. aku sbenanye takut. okay, cthnye, org igt aku benci makcik aku. well… aku tade la kejam gile. even ade org mmg igt aku kejam, but theres nothing I can do about it.. aku taw die tak mintak lahir mcm tu. ye ye. aku taw sume tu. mmg aku rase bsalah jugak kadang2. sbb aku tak layan die baik. yela, kadang2 geram sbb die bukan tataw die sakit, tp degil betul bab makan ubat. tapi lepas tu, aku rase, die bukan tanak makan, tp die salu mcm kt dunie sindri..so aku rase, die sbenanye igt die da makan kot.

aku cume tgh pk..sameade, aku akan jage die slame2nye? if so, adekah aku dgn mama and abah? or aku sorang je? I know hati mama abah mesti berkecai kalau aku anta die kt uma kebajikan ke.. I mean, I would never want them to see me becoming that kind of person..aku just harap. pape pun jadi, if la, if aku kene face the worst, Allah bagi aku kekuatan utk lalui sume tu..

so, past few days, aku dah tukar link blog ni, and I don’t wish to give the url to anyone.. not even Isa.

its better that way kot. and maybe I should have done it long time ago..

mcm yg aku ckp, last2, aku je ade utk diri sindri. I must train myself, not to rely on other people. I must stand on my own feet,I have to be strong.

InsyaAllah, kalau la aku berjaye tamatkan degree ni dgn flying colors, aku mmg ade terdetik nak sambung Master. tp probably bukan dlm bidang business. sbb aku rase mcm aku nk pursue the knowledge in psychology. I have no idea WHY. tp aku rase mcm aku nak yg tu la.

look, I don’t always have the answers to everything okay??

aku mungkin dah sakitkan hati sesetengah org, sbb, aku kenal diri aku kot. aku mmg suke control. kalau boleh aku nk sume bjalan ikut care aku. sbb by doing so, baru la aku dpt kepuasan dlm ape2 bende yg aku buat tu, mcm group project ke.. so bile group tu jatuh, aku la jugak yg akan jadi terpaling frust, and vice versa.

I don’t really care if my team members tak buat kerje. sbb aku x percaye org mcm tu boleh survive lame dlm organization. so papepun, rezeki kite tu mungkin jugak tak berkat kalau kite tak tunaikan tanggungjawab kite betul2 kan? what I can say is, the least we can do is TRY.

lain2 berserah je pade Allah.

aku rase takut, lagi2 sekarang.. aku takut aku tak mampu tunaikan ape yg Mama and Abah harapkan. gosh.. ape dorang bagi, terlalu2 byk, and aku tak mampu nk crite thru sentences. my last wish, at least.. biarlah aku sempat jadi sorang anak yg baik utk dorang. I want everything counts.

I hurt few people along the way, and as lonely as I get, I know its nothing compared to the heartache ive caused them.

yeah… I see myself as a terrible person. but.. im trying now.id choose Mama and Abah, always. over everything pun.

ive learned that, friends, even bestfriends..they don’t stay with you forever by yourside. they have their own busy life, their own problems. own spaces. emm. sume lah. so sebyk2 masalah yg aku ade, probably they’re facing worse.

em..I just hope that, aku tak sakitkan hati sape2 lagi.. I thought it would be easy. its easy to be bad and mean. I know. cos ive been there, done that. mmg senang bagi aku utk sakitkan hati org.. senang nk tolak org..my relationship now with isa, its hard. sbb knowing that we used to date, and mmg impossible nk tuka feeling jadi kawan, I mean, I have no feelings kt die lansung.. but Allah je taw. aku harapkan yg terbaik utk die, sbb aku tak deserve die. so our relationship susah. sbb ade masenye, die dtg bile aku mmg perlukan someone. die dtg bile aku mmg tgh sunyi. and its hard for me, utktolak die, mase aku in need. I know. if aku tak tolak die mase tu, means im using him. and that’s selfish. and the whole break up thing, is to avoid me, from being one 1st place.

ofcourse I can act all okay, bubbly, cheerful and all happy depan org. Im a good actor. maybe even great. tapi, mlm2 nk tido, aku nanges jugak sorang2. I know its not the life I wanted. but cmne nk erase the memories, the love and pain? if life were easy, it wouldn’t be worth living right? yeah. I guess so.

sboleh2nye, aku tanak libatkan sesape pun. biar sume aku tanggung sindri. aku nk jadi matang. aku kene kuat utk future baby aku

lagi 2 taun je, lepas tu aku akan pergi satu journey, journey utk cari parent kandung aku.. and im pretty excited about the plans. lol

its okay, dulu plan dgn org lain..tp sorang pun ape salahnye kan? lagi adventure~

teringin nk jadi mcm those backpackers. bdikari. hmm. I have the strong will. tp not sure if skill aku cukup utk sume tu. hmmmm

anyway. aku mmg kene tido awal. sbb janji nk goreng mee special yg aku blaja buat mase intersesi tu. hehe. so yeah. goodnite Maliza