JustMarl

hari ni, ade sesuatu yg MASSIVE terjadi kepade diri aku. something yg bagi impact besar, and something yg akan menentukan mase depan aku. and maybe menentukan brape org anak aku nanti, and kt mane fmeli aku duduk nanti. omg. takutnye. takut anak aku membesar and kawen ngn anak die. nononononono. not gonna happen. time2 skang aku mcm sgt benci ngn movie2 mlayu yg tersgt dramatik tu. x sangke cite tu hasil dr something yg btul2 bleh tjadi. hahaha.

so aku dah buat something yg gile. er., nk kate bodo, bodo ke? *at this point aku x brape kesa bodo ke x, sbb mase tu, it feels like that’s the most right thing to do.  so aku kene yakin je aku ikhlas wat mende tu even korang rase bodo.haha.

ok

so teruskan cite yg sgt dramatik and yg bg tamparan hebat dlm hidup aku pade hari ni. aku baru je dpt taw, yg ex yg aku syg gile tu, even smpai skang x dpt lpe, die da syg gf die. asalnye plan nk balas dendam so die couple ngn bestfriend aku. niat die aku paham. niat bestfriend aku yg accept tu? yg tu still misteri yg takkan terjawab rasenyee. tataw ape niat die. tp mestila dgn segerenye aku decide, die bukan kawan yg baik. aku dpt taw ramai tanak kawan ngn die lepas die couple ngn ex aku, sbb kawan2 lain kate die jht. err. duh? mestila die jht. xkan aku lak! ishh. x logik btui la dorang ni nk berdrama pun.

anyway. lepas aku teliti2 sume, amek kire sume aspek, dgn begitu ikhlas skali. aku dapati hati aku sgt lah sakit. lebey kurang mcm tgh bernyawe2 ikan. taw tak rase tu? rase mcm ko tgh nk mati. tp x mati2 lagi. mcm ko arap ko mati dah, tp rupenye x! tamparan yg begitu ganas skali. so itulah yg aku rase.

maafkan aku? er. aku x mintak maaf utk ape yg aku ckp. tp aku mintak maaf utk care aku ckp bende tu. mmg kurang aja gile. tp org yg ckp dgn emosi macam tu la kan. aku xnyesal. sbb aku x pnah pun reke cite, or fitnah org demi nk rosakkan hidup org.

asalnye, sume yg aku wat, berniat dr kenaifan. paham x?aku totally expect outcome yg sgt sgt lah berbeze dgn ape yg aku dpt. tp yg aku dpt tu..something yg aku mmg x jangke pun..sbb tu shock die smpai cmni..

cmne aku nk start over new life???

tell me how. ade org pnah try ke?? id like to know!

anyway. kesimpulannye. aku rase aku dah berjuang. berjuang smpai harini, dimane aku da dpt hasil dr pjuangan aku tu. apekah? well. ape lagi kalau bukan REJECTION.

oh well, byk lagi rejection aku nk kene terime lepas ni. lepas aku bjaye hidup melalui rejection yg ni, mestila aku bleh handle everything kan? yes. I can.

aku cume kene telann sumeee, and put a smile on my face. aku tanak jadi tua sbb org yg merosakkan kebahagiaan aku. aku akan jadi manusie yg lebih baik lepas ni. die ckp die x deserve aku. sbb die teruk sgt. I guess he’s right!

I will find my own happiness to prove them wrong. I will

focus utame. mama dulu.

aku risau sgt mama salu sakit ni.

doa, terima kasih Allah. sbb makbulkan doa2 aku yg dulu.

smoge Allah makbulkan doa aku yg satu ni. spaye aku kuat. mama and abah kuat. smoge dorang sntiase ade disisi aku. smpai slame yg mungkin. utk kawan2 yg dtg and pergi tu. tapelah. tu ape org tua kate? asam garam? cmtu dlm idup aku ni sume yg masin2 masam2 jeleee. tade manis pun. bile nih!! nk manis nk manis!!

kadang2 jadi hilang sabar dibuatnye.

bende yg aku cube nk dpt balik, xdpt2 pun. tataw cmne nk overcome penyesalan kehilangan tu? ade sape2 leh btaw?

kadang2 aku rase aku nk buat sume. aku nk jual baju, nk jual cake, nk jual pape yg bleh jual. sume jual. spaye aku busy. atau kadang2. aku harap2 aku tido. aku harap aku terus tido n tido and tido. aku harap aku tido, sameade jgn bgn atau bgn dlm mimpi. aku taw. tu kate2 sorang yg putus ase. aku mungkin perlukan lebih dr 20taun utk ubah diri aku ni jadi manusie yg lebih baik.

terus terang, kalau dibukak hijab org utk tgk kejahatan aku, they will be shocked as hell.

terime kasih utk yg dah taw, tp decide to stay.

aku tataw cmne nk tnjuk prasaan tu. yg aku tersgt overwhelmed.

NO ONE would understand. org yg paham, akan sntiase salahkan aku.

sbb tu aku decide biar aku je yg taw.  dgn Allah. this sacrifice maybe terlalu kecik utk dikire. tp sacrifice yg aku buat demi Allah ni. terlalu berat dan pedih gile bg aku.

Ya Allah. Make me a better person.

ampunkan aku utk kezaliman aku thdap org lain yg aku penah mistreated. I understand now. I do. I understand everything.

just please. let me make it right this time.

I wanna do things right.

mase dah kerje, aku akan pegi Kelantan and cari parent kandung aku. err. tp tanak la letak iklan kt tv. malu! or. bagi gmba facebook yg market2. haha. nk cari senyap2 je.

persoalannye, dengan sape?

hmmm. most probably, ngn sape2 yg sudi nk teman. or probably aku akan pegi sorang je. adventure skit. mase ni la nk adventure sorang2 kan kan.

aku rindu kawan baik aku yg aku dah hilang tu. I tried. tp mcm tade pape ksan. maybe its fated this way. baiklah! redha!

okay slmat berbuke. 3 jam wat post ni. dem! all u get is frustration, and… er. a huge lesson

tu dah cukup utk buat hari aku terase begitulah muram and gloomy skali. harharhahr. tapi aku telah bjaye menyiapkannya tepat pade pukul 3.45AM bersamaan Ahad. janji nk kuar arini (kejap lagi) ngn Allie, Miera and Tia. Janji kul 9 bangun. tataw la jadi ke x. sbb da nk kul 4 tak tido2 lagi nih. hmmmm. tp lege sbb assignment dah siap.

Tadi aku menghadap Allah. stelah beberape lame jugak aku sombong dan lalai. AGAIN. bile aku rase susa hati sgt. baru aku cari Dia.

mmg la doa takkan termakbul kalau camni. but really. lepas cakap and luah sume. rase lege gilee even aku mcm ckp sorang. zzz. Its just that, sometimes aku rase aku cukup kuat. tp ade mase, aku just rase nk give up trying pun. kalau sakit hati ni tade, aku leh je idup happy gile nk mampus mcm dulu. tp sbb sakit ati tu tanak ilang. and sbb aku tak pecaye yg bende tu leh ilang pun. So tadi, aku berserah lagi skali.

please please,Ya Allah. anything. tp just aku tanak ade prasaan mcm ni; benci and dengki ats ksenangan org lain. nk rosakkan idup org, senang gile sbenanye. and to actually lawan diri aku dr jadi mcm tu la yg paling susa. mcm impossible nk buat.

so disebabkan aku ade masalah psychology tadi, aku tetibe message my old best friend. It goes like this.

‘Hi! Thank you. thank you for everything. you have been a great friend. Have I really lost my bestfriend or I still have the chance to fix things? I really miss the old times. ‘

*er specifically I should have said, the old us.  but tataw la nape aku x ckp cmtu. it was all random ok!

but die x reply. maybe dah tido. entahlah. just that rase mcm aku dah hilang die. hes really important sbenanye.. cume lately aku terase btul die tade.. aku rase mcm aku dah cube. aku ade ajak die kua jumpe sume. tp die mcm asek2 busy je. ntah la. maybe btul2 tanak jmpe aku? I mean. kalau tanak ckp jela. we’re adults. I can take it. cheh. maybe die underestimate kekuatan aku. hmmm!

xsabanye abes intersesi!

Oh. tadi Abah ade call. hmmm. cakap mama batuk. demam. teruk jugak smpai call taleh angkat sbb taleh ckp. Im kinda worried. hopefully Mama sihat cpt. aku risau sbb lately Mama macam asek demam je..

risau la. sbb aku jauh. and sbb sian kt Abah kene jage Mama and my aunt tu. hm.

and sembang2 sume. Abah ckp pasal ZheMarleey. haha. die kate activenyeee skang. So I said sbb byk masee~ he said, tape , Abah support. nanti balik kite gi register SSM. awh. there was tearss~~~ in my eye. hehehe. Told Abah bout buying the stuffs directly from China and he said, no problem! one at a time k!

so cite2 dah tinggi. hopefully everything went well jelah. Amin..

Maybe I should be off to bed. kang x bangun sok ngamok lak Allie.

KUNGFU PANDA ONDAWAY!!

Aku baru lepas mandi.and that is lepas tgk movie Confessions. it was okay la.harini dah tetido petang because I was so sleepy and bgn around 9PM. rase mcm dah pukul 3pagi. >.<

so since da taleh tido, tpakse la pk ape nk buat spnjng mlm and smpai la skang aku taleh tido. 350AM.

tadi aku dah terbuat something. it was all random and aku x pk panjang pun.

tetibe aku rase nk text someone yg dah almost staun aku x text.

aku ckp, Happy Birthday

sweet x? haha.

and he replied. tp aku bukan nk wat pape pun. just wanna know if die hidup lagi. aku nk tanye jugak, if he is happy. tp takkan tetibe pas happy birthday nk tnye, weyy ko happy x?

mungkin kerandom-an aku blum smpai thap tu.

anyway. aku cube tido smbil tsenyum. sbb. ntah la. aku rase die happy. tp aku taleh nk happy lagi sbb aku x sure. so kalau aku ni kawan aku, aku akan ckp kt diri aku, kenape ko bodoh sgt nk sebok amek taw die happy ke x? and aku akan tersenyap memilkirkan betape betulnye kate kawan aku tu. tp kawan aku tu bukan aku. so she wont understand.

because, mase die pegi, it was like ade something kt aku yg pegi gak.

harharharhahar. sjibik mcm movie tadi punye dialogue.

menyesal x? so far belum lagi, sbb aku x wat pape pun. and jauh skali aku nk kacau hbgn org, sbb aku takkan jadi mcm pompan tu. never never. aku mungkin selfish when it comes to MOST of the things, tp aku bukan selfish nk korbankan prasaan pompan lain demi sorang lelaki. mmg laki tu bleh wat aku jadi mcm ni. all stupid and buat aku ade prasaan yg susa aku nk explain, tp prasaan tu sgt sakit and sbb prasaan tu, aku buat org lain sakit jugak. tp, ntah la. tade explanation. or point utk aku ckp pasal tu.

sbb prasaan aku skang, all mixed up.

mcm aku ckp kt someone, maybe aku benci, tp bende yg aku paling nak is, he’s happy with his choice, even its not me. tp cmne aku nk pastikan die happy? susah nk ckp. xkn la aku kene  tinted kete and benti jauh skit dr umah die and ngendap 24/7??

aku cube tido awl tadi. tp sbb hati aku tgh tkilan. aku rase mcm makin jauh je. da la mmg x dekat pun. da la x dekat, pastu makin jauh. cmne tu??

he promised to call. and aku tunggu smpai arini. tp he’d rather do something else.

I miss the old times. I really do. gayut hari2. I know I was different back then. mmg different sgt. aku lupe yg aku happy dulu. terlampau happy. and skang aku x dpt da feeling tu. maybe ade kadang2. tp x penah same da. maybe xkn same.

mmg aku bosan. bosan text ari2. sbb tade mende nk ckp pun. tnye da mkn blom? watpe, and same old things. skang, da la ckp jarang, pastu ckp mende same je. so lgi boring kot??

maybe aku patut bele kucing!

anyway. hari ni akan berlalu. besok pun akan berlalu. maybe aku takla se excited dulu nk harung hari2 ni kan, tapi, aku kene igt and bersyukur aku still ade pluang utk hidup. bukan takat hidup je. hidup dgn sgt sihat and sume ade. Alhamdulillah.

adekah ade kaitan ngn sbb aku makin matang? ZZZ I wish.

so smpai arini aku x mkn nasik. bangge weh! tp aku makan sume mende kecuali nasik. haha. mcm tade effect je nt. zz. kononnye konsep nye adelah utk skip nasik so that perut get used to not having nasik, then baru quit daging. cume tu maybe mase balik kang, sbb aku tade duit nk beli healthy2 meal and masak ni.

business doin okay, Alhamdulillah. harap2 dpt jual kasut yg aku nk sgt tu! so cuti nanti aku akan busykan diri. tade pe penting dah. lagi x penting org yg x pentingkan aku. family first.

that’s what you taught me.

Nyte

It is scarily true! tade mood nk update post lately. haih. but intersession been reallyyy boring it kills. so rutin harian adalah menyapu lantai, basuh baju *almost hari2 sbb bosan sgt*, reke recipe baru sbb suprisingly ktorang*me and my housemate* tak kluar rumah lansung since Jumaat. haha. gladly die mcm aku jugak la. mcm x rajin kua sgt melainkan terpakse. We kinda rely on each other sbb dah ktorang bdue je ade kan. x kesah la kalau sblum tu ade konflik ke ape. tolak tepi dulu. tp aku pun tataw nape ade certain org tu terlampau negative and suke sgt amik taw hal org lain. bukan taleh, its good la nak amik taw mcm aku bawak laki masuk umah, pastu org sblah sebok2 ke ape kan. tp ni mcm amek taw mnde yg tade kaitan ngn die pun. tp die plak susah2 hati. haihhh. kalau brani, tegur la depan2..

anyway. xyah bad mood sbb org cmtu. zzz. so arini aku tibe2 rase mcm aku kene update gak ZheMarleey even dah janji aku update only lepas dah register kt SSM. tp lame sgt la. dgn sbb bosan sgt, aku rase baik aku amek order. and Alhamdulillah, last Friday dah abis Test 1 for Risk Management, and gladly lecturer aku baik giles, ktorang nye Test 1 open book

oh. utk sape2 yg wondering, Day 8 tu aku nye project rahsie. haha. okay x rahsie sgt.Dah 8 hari x makan nasik. yay! x saba tunggu next yearr!

im coming back okay. I am.  aku just harap aku jadi lebih kuat and berani to confront it bile mase tu dah sampai. cos ill be foolin myself kalau ckp bende tu xkn jadi. I know it would. just the matter of when. so harap2nye WHEN tu takkan went terribly awkward or has bloody ends.

Dear Allah, thanks for the opportunities and chances to get this far. aku taw aku slalu lupe. SELALU SGT ok. tp biase la. sbb aku taw aku hambe yg sgt laaa lemah and kadang2 malu dgn diri sndri sbb tlampau jahil and tlalu gilekan nikmat dunie.

well, aku tade plan yg too detail on my life mcm org lain. cos aku tanak tlalu mngharap. bukan tanak, tp mcm da tade hati pun nk plan2 nih. omg. aku rase mcm soul aku dah mati. …

kalau btul ade such thing as vampire. please. ID LOVE TO BECOME ONE.

sbb aku dah taw aku nk gi gigit sape. hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

aiyo. living with the guilt, and terkilan, and pain. sgt sgt torturing ok. smpai ade mase mcm rase nk mati je. senang cite, the most terrible feeling is heartache. KOT. for me it is.

kalau dulu im looking forward utk bgn every day, sbb nk taw ape akan jadi besok and besok. tak saba. with all the plans, excited gile! tp skang, aku tido, dgn harapan esok cpt dtg, sbb aku taleh tunggu da nk abeskan sehari. sehari seems too long. felt like forever.

and aku nk cpt tua, harap2 sempat visit sume places kt dunie ni dlu sblum ak mati.and aku nk cpt jadi wise, nk jadi sorang yg lagi penyaba. nk taw sgt2, if Allah has a better plan for me maybe?

em.

nk wish dulu birthday someone on next month. date yg aku nk sgt lupe tp taleh. and nk wish pun dah taleh. harap2 mase tarikh tu aku tlampau busy smpai x teringat. sbb aku tanak igt..

so Happy Birthday. pape pun die wat, aku harapkan yg terbaik utk die even yg terbaik bg die tu mcm paling teruk skali bagi aku. haha. tapelah. its fated this way. Ive made the decision so no turning back ok? Smoge Allah lindungi die slalu, and smoge die happy and bahagie in whatever die wat. amin..

Lepas ni, tade jelly2 mushy2 feeling. aku kene kuat, andddd duit come first. err. I mean after family. family tu mcm mmg wajib la 1st. so duit mcm the 2nd first. okay!

I can do this. tade mase dahh. the time will come bile mase tu aku akan sorang2 and sume mende aku sorang kene handle. Mama and Abah wont stick around forever, even aku sgt2 harap they would.. reality is aku akan ttp sorang2 nanti. harap2 aku ready for everything. it just sometimes bile pkkan mase depan, pk aku akan tua, and mama abah akan lagi tua, akan sakit. aku rase mcm takut la. sbb cpt sgt… aku rase mcm aku x sempat wat pape pun lg utk dorang.. and takut sbb takut x sempat..

I love you Mama, Abah.

alamek. tlupe. nape post aku pasal past? sbb mase final aritu… aku terserempak dgn someone. someone from my past. tp not that important, cume die rapat dgn the one yg used to be important to me. so aku mcm terkesima jap. haha. sbb his face doesn’t change. so.. probably his pun same..mule2 aku nampak die kt mushroom. like skali pandang, aku trus kenal. of course la. org2 mcm ni aku takkan leh lupe. tp sbb nk cpt, aku tak tgk lame2, and mcm tekjut sbb cmne die leh dtgg sini? haha. dlm byk2 UiTM. zzz. so the 2nd time nmpak kt examination hall. so aku dah sure its him.

anyway. aku tak wat pape pun. just gazing and tenung die lame2 mcm bleh bace soul die. haha. dats all yg aku mampu wat. zzz

ok bye! aku rase mcm tade motif la nk update ni. tp terase mcm kene update sbb da lame sgt. zzz