JustMarl

Hey! hows everyone doin?

Im having slight headache. and strain eye. maybe sbb spend wayy too much time infront of the lappy. My day is okay. Just okay. Nothing special. Mama cooked Ayam Kurma for dinner. Dah lame x makan.. Theres this week, almost hari2 mama masak Ayam Kari. I feel like puking everytime tgk kuah tu. HAHA. *tp makan licin jugak*. So anyway.. Im just saying.. Bile kt Arau, or even kt rumah. but bile mama dah lame x masak Kari.. rase rindu sgt. and like tibe2 ade that sudden crave nak makan ayam kari jugak aritu..

I’m trying to imagine what it would be like.. tibe2 I dont have her around anymore.. Like tibe2 tade org nk marah kalau aku tinggalkn pinggan koto kt atas meje lame2 pas makan. Sape nk tegur kalau aku asek duk ngangkang tgk tb like a dude and sape nk pukul2 pintu tu kejut aku bgn bile aku membute smpai ke ptg..well. I couldnt imagine that at all..

em.. Mama..Im sorry that I raised up my voice earlier..:[

Im really sorry. and I love you so much..

Well. Im just pretty sad and lonely today. I know Ill be fine, just that I hope the time passes by cepat sikit harini.. cos I cant wait to find out wats waiting for me tomorrow… part of me mcm eager lah jugak to find out kan,tp part of me, macam malasnye aku nk amek kesah. biar jela pape jadi…

Im still wondering, how come. Some people just so luckyy and bleh happy je?? and how come some people kene suffer utk org lain punye happiness?? Kalau aku nk pakse gak diri aku teruskan. aku akan cakap, ‘there’s always reasons why shits happen’ tp WHEENNNN actually aku dpt jawapannye??

WHEN???

and theres this time jugak, when aku suddenly rase penat sgt..and I feel so alone. because tu lah fact. I AM alone afterall. mase tu la rase kerdil sgt kt bumi Allah ni. and mase tu baru nk tringat kt Dia. Yep.. Just like now..

Why cant everyone…EVERYONE just be happy? like.. kenape kene ade jeles2 antare kite, nape kene ade benci, nape kene ade dengki2?

I started to hate those love stories with happy ending. because slame yg aku tgk, theres no such thing as happy ending. maybe that just applied to me alone. Who the hell knows?

Sometimes I just hate everything. And most of the time, I ended up hating myself, knowing that, IF ONLY I could turn back time and did things differently. Id probably doesnt have to go through this shit, or probably its not gonna be this painful. but tu lah. the POSSIBILITIES and the WHAT IFS… GOD!. its eating me inside out!! whats worst, Im not even a good daughter. not a good friend. not a good listener. I suck in giving advices where people turn out jadi lagi sakit hati or even hated me or menyesal gile that they asked..Im just basically, everything that everyone doesnt want to be.

If you cut and bleed. the pain. thats NOTHING compare to the heartache..or a broken heart..Sometimes I feel like its gonna take forever to heal….and when you’re too busy or too distracted, you’ll be just fine. Tp when tibe2 you terbau something.. Say macam bau biskutt mase lalu kt depan Famos Amos dlm Alamnda tu kan. haaaaa. then you tringat all the memories flashing back bangbanggboomm in ur head and mase tu you feel like nk bakar the whole kedai.

You feel so terrible. at least I felt that way. and I was hoping, sepanjang jalan balik tu, Id be in a car accident, or got hit by a private jet yg Will Smith naik.. and sbb die rase bersalah sgt, die amek aku jadi anak angkat. or even better, die turn out suke gilee kt my sense of humor that die kate, aku patut kawen ngn Jayden. YAY!!!

BUTTTT~~

life wud never turn out that way. they just wudnt. WHY? I dont have the answer. sbb tu mmg mcm hukum die or sumting. things salunye never gonna work out mcm yg kite nak bile kite betul2 nak. Sometimes mende kite nak just akan dtg bile kite paling least expecting it.

okay my vocab sume berterabor. It doesnt really matter now. Im just..I dunno. I dont feel good. and worst, I dont have anyone’s shoulder to cry on.. not even Umpa’s…

WELL, life still treating me gooodddd, like very goooddd. life literally spoilsss me, with all that yummy foods. biskot Marie yg terbaik bile cicah ngn tea o panas.. and as long as stock nescafe and milo ade kt umah,and as long as Sardine x luput dr dunie ni, I’ll be fine.. Alhamdulillah..

Im just goin nuts kejap. because. I realized now (just), that I dont really have something strong to hold on to. my will?? NAHHHHHH. Confidence? lagila….. Passion?? lost that long long time ago.

So literally. Whats left is just FATTT. nape fat susah sgt nk hilang bebanding dengan semangat or kekentalan? (amek kauuu).

dlm sume mende kt dunie ni. nape mesti FAT?????????????????????

It would be easier kalau aku kurus, sbb bile aku sedih, aku bleh spend time makan everything yg ade dlm almari tu. tp ni dah la tgh sedey gile babiss, tgh sakit hatii, pastu gemok plak.

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

you cant do anything at all!!!! xkn la nk nanges je 24/7?? and let alone EKSESAIS. aku gile ape nk eksesais smbil nanges2 tu. aku tnk mati lemas dlm hingus sindri k.

well at least I feel better tgk emoticon itik comel ni. LOL. okay. thank you for listening.. whoever you are.. thank you.

So I just hope that, sume org sihat, and happy and smoge org2 yg clueless mcm aku on what to hold on to, in order to move on..diberi petunjuk. Amin..

amende ntah aku ckp. zzzzzzz