JustMarl

As usual. Its a freakiinn 4:30AM and I couldnt shut my eyes just yet. Mulenye aku mmg nantok sgt2… and nk tido dah… ntah cmne la. aku click2 and click. papp! tebace sumting. yg aku x patut bace..

aku geram ngn diri sindri sbb membenarkan diri aku bace. and God knows how I wish I hadnt read it.

because Im hurt.

but hurt in a sense that I think I understand why she did that..

because I penah imagine how would it feels like, to be her. and mestilah xkn bleh imagine. but for sure, I know its not easy to be her. We have our own problems and aku pun same. tp camne aku cube bandingkan masalah aku ngn die pun, aku mcm x penah rase aku mampu wat mcm ape die mampu wat..

maybe I just look up to her tinggi sgt?? So yeah. I know it must be hard for her to try to pleases everyone knowing that you never could. But the endless efforts?? bagi aku, too noble..

but.. Im so sorry…

Im not you.. knowing that Im not supposed to take this personally but I did anyway. and ntah la..Why do I feel so… crushed?? betrayed? torn apart?? remuk?? like it happen justtt the way it did back then all over again??

I cant do this .. not the way you do things. I cant.

Im sorry. I hope you understand that I have to avoid you. I love you. and yes. you are very important to me. I would never never never forget the happy moments, even the sad ones, that we had. Well, Im sure you’d do better without me anyway.. Im sure. Thats why Im so determine to leave..

Its not your fault. Its always my fault…If God give us the chance to  meet again, say 50 years from now? lol. I promise I will explain everything. but till then.. I will always pray for you. You probably wont even notice that I dah tade. but..thats okay. That would be easier for you..

you know that no one can hurt you. unless they’re important……

Someone asked ‘Awak tanak forgive her?’

and I was like. tegamam for awhile. like. why havent I thought of that *seriously enaf* before? like. I just realized that forgiving is an option. I realized it is now but its just that my heart dont want to..

But….well, maybe considering what shes been thru..maybe she deserve to be happy. well who the hell knows that Im the one who gotta pay for tat kan??Someone gotta suffer in order someone else to be happy I guess. Maybe die penah rase this kind of pain. or maybe die penah rase lagi teruk? maybe my problem isnt that bad. maybe Im the one who complicate things. maybe she IS a mangse keadaan like she claimed. I just want to stop thinking..

Dear Allah…I forgive her… and IF Ive ever sinned towards them *dosa yg disengajekan or x*, I hope they would forgive me too. =’[

Ya Allah… can you just.. take away this pain…?? Please open my heart and let me move.

because how much it hurts me for living in the memories of the past, it hurts him more. who have to listen to me who cant move on.

I wish I can be better for you..… Such a big innocent heart, but I couldnt fit in..Im sorry that I keep hurting you. I wanted the pain to go away as much as you do. but they just keep coming back…