JustMarl

tak taw dah bape kali end. tp for sure this time, its for good. I am pretty sure that this IS exactly what I always wanted. you know, it is not easy to pretend that everythings okay and that you care when the truth is you don't. why? because i've spent this whole time with him thinking bout someone else. I know I know. Not one of the things that Im proud of. But this is the truth. My heart was not with him cos someone else has it.

harsh fact. But thats something I have to live with the whole life.

BUT, no fear.. I can live, knowing hes okay and that hes happy. well, I certainly not sure if he is still happy cos I never stalk cos I know it'll hurt me in the end. But last time I know, die mmg happy sgt..and I want to live knowing just that. =) and keep praying that we don't have to ever meet again. I like it this way.

Yes at times, I'd feel so lonely and get jealous of others yang seems sooooo damn happy and in love. aww. I miss that feeling...that rindu2 and acting cute whenever you're around him like manje2. haha.
okay one of the good times.

things are roughhh and hardd at first, but Im sure I'll get through this. cos Im the MAN!
com'on!! almost a year already. this is mcm a hugee achievement. even okay aku admit, aku still trying to avoid my old friends from Cheras... mmg selalu rase mcm Im such a bad bad bad friend and mmg patut la tak ramai kawan pun kan.. tapi... I just hope they understand that, its my way of protecting myself. I could simply block them, but I dont want to. because Im denying the fact that they are that important sampai aku kene block plak..tak mati pun kalau ternampak, cume it would be better kalau aku just tataw pape, and live with my ownnn last impressions of them.okay okay. mmg aku ego skit.. haha. well, Im not like certain people, yang boleh act like nothing happen when something DID happened. especially when that something meant the world to you. ah luckily aku tak depend kt thatt one world only. hehe. So boleh dikatekan aku agak bijak disitu . bwek. Im sure I did the right thing by leaving.. cume aku just terkilan je.. because it could turn out differently if only he tried harder..

and agak sedih because the last memory of me that he remember, mesti die igt aku yg gilekan duit ni. haih...
if only he knows that, its NOT what Ive been looking for. kalau ye. really I would waste my whole 5 years mcm tu je?? kamon..Im better than that. but yeah yeah. x gune dikenang balik. cume well. as I said. terkilan yg thats the last thing that he gonna remember the most about me..

anyway. aku selamat smpai dirumah pagi semalam, lepas Subuh. Alhamdulillah.. Allah makbulkan doa aku yg mintak dpt smpai umah dgn slmatnye.. He always listen. :]

cume agak risau sgt2 yang mama sakit haritu. tp Alhamdulillah jugak.. mama selamat operate. malu sikit sbb aku mmg tak dpt tahan prasaan and nanges depan dorang mase cite yg mama masuk ward. siap dah packing barang sbb nk balik. tp Abah ngn Mama x bagi.. ='( aku risau sgt2..risau x sempat je. dan2 je lepas tu msg mama ckp i love you i love you. haha. tapi skang dah biase ckp dah. aku sedar, nape laa ngn bf laju je dok ckp rindu2 sume. ngn mama sindri segan nk ckp. segan x btempat namenye ni.. I promised myself that aku nk lebih hargai mase2 yg aku ade dgn Mama and Abah ni.. tak saba nye nk abes blaja. nk keje btul2,kumpul duit. nk bawak Mama pegi Aussie. hehehe. asalnye, plan nk pegi dgn someone yg disayangi sgt tu. tp org tu tade pulak. no no. bukan la nk ckp parent ni my second choice. cume tersedar, yg aku sbenarnye nk dorang yg ade disamping aku. because dorang la segalanye2..

mase kt Arau. aku risau sgt kalau tibe2 dpt message dlm klas, dpt taw ade something bad happen kt salah sorang. or worst, both of them. mcm yg jadi kt one of my classmate... yg dpt taw Ayah die meninggal kt ward.. mmg dah taw ayah die sakit.. tp btape kuatnye die pade aku.. utk bangun balik lepas 2 hari je. dah boleh dtg class sume.. emmm..

Aku harap aku pun sekuat tu. tapi sygnye.. haihhh.

rase kerdil sgt, sbb taw, byk bende diluar kawalan kite kan. bende mcm, nyawe.. aku takut nk happy2 sgt kt sane. takut nk pegi bsukerie mcm budak2 rumah lain. gi mandi2 sungai sume.. bukan tanak.. aku takut. aku tanak ade kt tempat2 mcm tu incase something happend to mama or abah. mmg la even duk uma pun patut pk camtu, tp sbbkan dekat.. rase lagi slmat sbb dorang ade depan mate kan..

pape pun.. aku yakin Allah ade rancangan utk sume org. and kalau pape pun jadi, aku mmg tade care lain pun tp kene tpakse jadi kuat gak. aku segan nk tegur org. aku rase tu antare masalah terbesar aku. aku mmg agak assertive kott, sbb rasenye aku skang dah smakin tegas and boleh say NO kt org lain. tp cume mcm bende2 mcm nasihat2 ni still tak mampu. sbb aku sedar aku sindri terlampau laa byknye kekurangan. patutnye tu takleh jadi alasan, sbb kite mmg kene tegur kalau taw org buat salah. cume taw2 je la kan konflik ngn kawan2. aku mcm rase baik avoid. sbb nt lagi besa je masala. tu jugak antare salah satu sbb nape kalau leh, aku diam je. lagi baik xyah rapat2 sgt sbb aku tanak terlalu emotionally attached.  you have no idea betape runtuh seruntuhnye rase hidup ni bile kite terlalu attach kt someone, and that someone, betrayed you.

but disini, sy ingin menggalakkan pemikiran yg positive ye rakan2. so marilah usehe same2.  rasenye, bile masenye dah tibe, aku akan taw sendiri kot... :]
kalau ade, ade lah okay? sbb byk lagi bende penting yg nk kene pk..

ha! aku happy harini. sbb arini dpt jubah aku yg pertame. hehehehehe. jubah color itam, with beaded detailing  yg aku dah lame nak sgt. mmg la x la sejibik yg mcm aku nak. tp dekat2 la. hihuhihu. baju tu pakai mase event nanti. tudung. nanti pk! kalau nk shopping tudung lawa2, satu tempat je. Jeddah!!

so tu kene pegi someday. zzz.byknye nk gune duit. hmmmm

terkilan ade ulcer time2 balik uma ni. nk makan mama masak sume susah. kene makan sikit, pastu kene telan besa2 sbb nk kunyah lame2 sakit :[ pastu taleh mkn pedas. wuuuu.

aku ade smgt baru. that is, aku nk start kumpul Abaya! sume color. WOW.